Tone Policing: What is it and why do we do it?

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Have you heard of the concept of "tone policing" before? Essentially, it is an (often) subconscious tool in which people with privilege dismiss marginalized people by focusing on the tone of how something is said versus what is said. For example, the focus on Black people being "too loud" or "too angry" or "too aggressive" when talking about their experiences of racism and oppression. Or, labeling women as being aggressive, b*tchy or bossy when asserting their needs or directing a conversation in the workplace. Rather than listening to the story or making space to engage with the content, we label the person or tone as a means of dismissing what they are saying.


You ascribe meaning to how something is said to avoid dealing with or addressing what is being said.


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My Eating Disorder Lied. Food is Not the Enemy.

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For years, I had been under the control of an insidious eating disorder making me see food as the enemy and my body as the war zone. I would count every calorie I ingested. I loved to cook but would never taste the food when I made it because I feared that I could not accurately count the calories and factor them into my day. I would plan out every item of food I ate and spontaneity felt like a grenade thrown at me, making me implode from the anxiety and distress it caused. I would body check before, during, and after every meal. I restricted. I binged. I compensated. I lived every waking moment in self-loathing. My eating disorder had made me fear food, telling me that how I looked was directly correlated to my worth and value and that if I gained weight or ate "bad" foods, then...


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Do You Have Healthy Boundaries?

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The short answer is probably not. Most people don't.

Shame, fear, self-doubt, limiting beliefs all get in the way of setting healthy boundaries and since these experiences are universal, we are all at risk for boundary disruption and erosion.

Plus, none of us have lived in a pandemic before which has been a major stressor and dismantling of our boundaries.

I say this because, as we develop insight into setting healthy boundaries we must be careful not to judge ourselves. I talk more about this in my workbook, I Love Me.

Judgment asks for a punishment, and that only perpetuates our shame.

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