My Eating Disorder Lied. Food is Not the Enemy.

in

For years, I had been under the control of an insidious eating disorder making me see food as the enemy and my body as the war zone. I would count every calorie I ingested. I loved to cook but would never taste the food when I made it because I feared that I could not accurately count the calories and factor them into my day. I would plan out every item of food I ate and spontaneity felt like a grenade thrown at me, making me implode from the anxiety and distress it caused. I would body check before, during, and after every meal. I restricted. I binged. I compensated. I lived every waking moment in self-loathing. My eating disorder had made me fear food, telling me that how I looked was directly correlated to my worth and value and that if I gained weight or ate "bad" foods, then...


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Get off the hamster wheel and live a life you choose rather than pursue.

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It is so easy to get swept up in the current of urgency — we need to do it all now or risk being behind. Whether that is in our personal lives — “settle down”, pick a career, have kids, be debt-free, move out, etc — or in our professional lives — make 'X' amount of money, get promoted, launch a new business or, more generally, be "successful" — we are consumed by it.

We expect so many things to happen immediately or on some arbitrary timeline imposed by the world around us. I think of it as the conveyor belt perpetuated by the cult of the average. To be clear, I am not commenting on anyone’s value when I say average. I am commenting on the drive to conform — to find safety and solitude in the collective plan and goal. To fit in at all costs and pursue a dream bestowed upon rather than cultivated by us.

These ideals have been fed to us since we were young — before we really knew we could ask “why” before hopping aboard. But the reality is that all that awaits us at the end of the conveyor belt is loneliness, resentment and what I call, “predictable sh*ttyness” — a life of stagnancy and “fine”. We do not like our lives but we are comfortable in the predictability and at least feel like we know what to do and what to expect so we stay, trapped and unhappy.

What keeps us stuck in this cycle?

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What you think of me is none of my business.

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We spend so much time in other people’s stories - worrying about the role we play and often making ourselves the central focus and pain point in their lives. We assume they are judging us or may think less of us because we are not doing or being “enough”. We ascribe meaning to every look, lack of response, and interaction. We play a part to “fit in” to the narrative of those around us - or, at least, the narrative we are assuming they are existing in. But the more we do that, the more we distance ourselves from who we really are, exiting our orbit to circle around theirs.

News flash...this is not making you happy!

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FACT: Self Care is NOT a Luxury

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Self-Care & Self-Compassion.

An over-saturated topic that often leaves one feeling annoyed and overwhelmed when talking about it. We have all been told to take better care of ourselves. We all know the phrase “Put your own oxygen mask on first”. No one needs me to say it to you again. It would be like assuming that someone who smokes needs to be told it’s bad for them.

And yet, compassion fatigue, resentment, neglecting one’s mental and physical health and the inability to put one’s self first contribute to the highest rates of burnout, chronic health issues and more.

So…what gets in the way?

Problem: The misconception about what self-care is.

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What's wrong with being confident?

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For too long, the only thing I was confident about was that I would never be able to be confident being myself. 

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could stop feeling perpetually less than? Confident in who we are. Rooted in ourselves and unfettered by the words, norms and expectations of others. 

Well, in short, it IS possible. AND, it takes a LOT of f*cking work!

I have been on a quest for confidence for over 20 years and feel like I am just starting to figure out the steps to actually feeling it versus pretending I do to get through a moment or point in time. 

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