Get off the hamster wheel and live a life you choose rather than pursue.

It is so easy to get swept up in the current of urgency — we need to do it all now or risk being behind. Whether that is in our personal lives — “settle down”, pick a career, have kids, be debt-free, move out, etc — or in our professional lives — make 'X' amount of money, get promoted, launch a new business or, more generally, be "successful" — we are consumed by it.

We expect so many things to happen immediately or on some arbitrary timeline imposed by the world around us. I think of it as the conveyor belt perpetuated by the cult of the average. To be clear, I am not commenting on anyone’s value when I say average. I am commenting on the drive to conform — to find safety and solitude in the collective plan and goal. To fit in at all costs and pursue a dream bestowed upon rather than cultivated by us.

These ideals have been fed to us since we were young — before we really knew we could ask “why” before hopping aboard. But the reality is that all that awaits us at the end of the conveyor belt is loneliness, resentment and what I call, “predictable sh*ttyness” — a life of stagnancy and “fine”. We do not like our lives but we are comfortable in the predictability and at least feel like we know what to do and what to expect so we stay, trapped and unhappy.

What keeps us stuck in this cycle?

Shame. If you have been following me for any length of time, you have probably seen that shame is the unruly culprit in many of our points of unhappiness.

What is it? The belief that we are not worthy or loveable enough to have connection or find belonging in this world unless we hide our flaws, perform to the standards of the world around us and conform to the ideal.

We worry that if we do not meet all of the expectations of others, they will leave. We fear being found out for being less than and, like a hamster on a wheel, keep running faster and faster in the spirals of shame — chasing an ever-moving mark to feel safe, secure and loved. And as such, it feels like if we miss our targets or get off on our timeline, the whole world we are chasing to be a part of will crumble beneath us.

That’s all BS. The reality is that life is about evolution and authenticity. It is about constant change and a lifelong journey of getting to know one’s true self and finding how to share it with the world. It is not about being perfect or having it all done now. It is not about fitting in but standing tall — rooting in your own self and becoming a part of the world rather than a copy of it.

Can you even tell me why NOW is better than later? Can you guarantee that these timelines will even bring the connection and joy we are longing for? Does being like everyone else make you happy? Has this perpetual motion in the hopes of becoming a part of the average keeping you from seeing just how unfulfilled, exhausted and lonely you truly are?

Instead, I invite you to get curious. Ask yourself,

“Who am I rushing for?”

“Why am I rushing?”

“Why these timelines? Why these goals?”

“What am I afraid will happen if I slow down?”

Consider if there has ever been a time that the rush or pursuit wasn’t worth it. You may even be surprised the more you think about this the more comes to the surface. For me, I think the rush of getting to point “X” kept me cognitively in my future while disengaging from my present and running from my past. I was so afraid to admit that what I thought I wanted no longer fit. I was scared that I would “miss out” in some way by changing course. I was afraid of losing people if they saw the real me —which is proof of how lonely I really was even while surrounded by “loved ones”.

Sure, some of the fears I have had have come true. But most have not. Most of the worries and fears I have had have stayed just that — thoughts. Thoughts that lose power over time and find new entry points into my brain. But as I get more and more comfortable facing and embracing these thoughts, they have less power over me and I am getting clearer on how much more I have gained by being honest with myself.

The reality is, not everyone will like me, no matter what I do and no matter how fast I get from point A to point B. So, rather than chase the norm and keep circling around this zone of predictable shittyness, I am working to find my own route, my own course, my own timeline.

I am working on telling myself that who I am is already enough and reminding myself that the only person I spend my entire life with is me and so learning to nurture my own wants and needs has to be a part of the goal. I have the right to get off the conveyor belt. I have the right to make the choices that fit my life. I have the right not to know what I want and to make mistakes while I figure it out. So do you. And so, I invite you to join me in slowing down and getting off of the hamster wheel. Ask yourself what you really want and find the courage to let go of all that you don’t. Focus on connection to self, connection to others and connection to your life. Show up as you are and be flexible and graceful with yourself. Most of the clients I serve are all people who have spent years on the conveyor belt and have found nothing but despair. This choice is harder but I promise you is more rewarding.