You Have Unreasonable Expectations

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YOU’RE BEING UNREASONABLE WITH YOURSELF.

Whenever I start working with a new client, I have the same conversation: how do we reframe your goals and expectations to support meaningful and sustainable change and growth. We cannot feel better right away - that is unrealistic and often unhelpful.

We often don't seek help until we are in a deep space of despair and anguish. We feel overwhelmed with pain and distress and long for a "fix" or solution to make everything better or resolved. We need to get back to riding ourselves into the ground so make this pain go away as quickly as possible - and with the least amount of time and effort. I often refer to this as the hunt for a "band-aid solution."

By doing this, we are setting avoidant goals, meaning, "I just want to be anywhere but here, so give me whatever you've got."

And it’s not getting us where we want to go. So, what can we do instead?

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Perspective — the key factor in how we view the world.

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It looks like an awesome photo on a boat of me looking off onto (what seems to be) a beautiful view from the outside. True. There were probably some fantastic views to be had. But this story is quite different.

We were in Iceland and on a whale watching tour with HIGH hopes of seeing a whale out on the ocean.

But after 2 canceled or rescheduled trips that week, and the hope of the 3rd time being the charm, we were unpleasantly surprised to see no more than 10 feet from the boat and were in the midst of stormy weather (which is not unusual in Iceland) the entire boat ride. Even when we hit clearer patches, there was nothing.

I probably wouldn't have been able to see it anyway as I was mostly trying to keep myself from throwing up from seasickness the entire boat ride. And before you ask, yes, I have tried the patches, pills, bracelets, and more...nothing curbs the drive to vomit when I am on a boat, unfortunately, no matter how strong my will or number of attempts. Now, when we think of the world of social media and the internet, we see too many painted pictures of beauty, wonder, and life to "be jealous of." We see perspectives manipulated to show a certain view or outcome.

Don't get me wrong — I am all about people enjoying their lives and sharing that enjoyment and wonder with the world.

AND I am a realist.

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What if we could live in a world where we actually thought everyone was beautiful?

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Beauty. A concept I have found difficult to define to encapsulate the depth and complexity of the term. While it is true, our worth and value should consider who we are, what we stand for and how we show up for those around us, there is another side to the coin.

We live in a culture where the way you look (appearance, body type, weight, skin color, gender presentation, etc) often outweighs those things in determining someone's "beauty".

And yet we pretend this ladder of comparison and judgment doesn't exist, silently perpetuating the polarization of who is and is not beautiful based on a subjective physical experience of a person or people.

In an attempt to move away from this exclusionary system, many have swung to the other end of the spectrum. They are focused on defining beauty purely for who we are on the inside. And as I said a few sentences ago, this is important and should be a factor. But we can't pretend that we are not physical beings in a physical world where we experience people based on the way they look (sight) and the presence of their physical bodies (touch). As such, the term MUST be defined in a way that includes our physical self and our mental, emotional and spiritual self.

Let me clarify what I mean by this.

You, yes, you, are already beautiful both inside and out. What do I mean by this?

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The reason you keep falling short on your goals.

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Any meaningful and sustainable change is requires both insight and action.

  • Insight. I have to give myself space and time to identify my problem or pain point, its impact on my life, and where it came from. I have to define where I want to go and clarify how and what I will need to get there.

  • Action. I have to be willing to do the doing. I have to switch from thinking and feeling to doing...to living in that new reality.

Without creating space for both, you will only find yourself burning out, putting time and energy into what I call "band-aid solutions" or quick fixes that leave you in the same place as where you started with increasing hopelessness

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