Are you an ASKER or a GUESSER: The crucial difference in how we make and respond to requests

February 22, 2022 by Kyira Wackett in Assertive Communication

We often assume that everyone thinks the same way we do. Unfortunately (and fortunately), that is not the case.

Shocker, right?

But it is not uncommon for our brain to project our own experiences, thoughts, and systems of operations onto others.

In many cases, we feel reactive when we find out they have a different viewpoint, value system, or internal narrative.

There are many instances in which this is incredibly powerful.

Gaining new perspectives or brainstorming creative problem-solving strategies, learning new ways to do something or engage in the world, connecting to people on a different level and expanding our view from the stories we have come to internalize to those around us as well.

But there are times in which this can cause rupture and tension — especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships and making asks of each other.

Examples may include when to get married, what needs to be done around the house, how to approach a particular conversation, what it looks like to be considerate or "be there" for someone, or even how to send an email.

Our brain can trap us into assuming there is a "right way" or unilateral response and can lead to feelings of resentment and conflict when people operate differently.

How do we actually know if the answer is "no"?

October 19, 2021 by Kyira Wackett in Assertive Communication

If you are spending time talking yourself into a decision or trying to make the “yes” feel more palatable by minimizing the effect it will have on your life (it’s just an hour, it won’t take that much from me), these are signs your body is trying to communicate with you the answer is “no”.

I was listening to an episode of the Tim Ferris podcast where he interviews Diana Chapman, co-founder of the Conscious Leadership Group and a co-author of the book The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership. In their discussion, she talked a lot about connecting with our body and the idea of learning to recognize when we experience a “subtle no”.

What does she mean by this?

Every time you say “yes” you are saying “no” to something else.

September 07, 2021 by Kyira Wackett in Assertive Communication

With every “yes”, I am dedicating time, money, and/or energy in a specific direction (person, event, project, etc). As such, I don’t have the opportunity to use it elsewhere. If I say “yes” to plans with my friends I may be saying “no” to a networking event that sounds interesting. If I say “yes” to answering someone’s phone call, text, or email, I am agreeing to engage with them — giving them my time and energy — over something or someone else. If I say “yes” to that speaking event, I may be saying no to other opportunities or time to work on pitches for other events.

Tone Policing: What is it and why do we do it?

June 01, 2021 by Kyira Wackett in Systems of -isms

Have you heard of the concept of "tone policing" before? Essentially, it is an (often) subconscious tool in which people with privilege dismiss marginalized people by focusing on the tone of how something is said versus what is said. For example, the focus on Black people being "too loud" or "too angry" or "too aggressive" when talking about their experiences of racism and oppression. Or, labeling women as being aggressive, b*tchy or bossy when asserting their needs or directing a conversation in the workplace. Rather than listening to the story or making space to engage with the content, we label the person or tone as a means of dismissing what they are saying.

You ascribe meaning to how something is said to avoid dealing with or addressing what is being said.

Reactive vs Responsive: Checking the Ways Our Emotions Show Up to Conversations

September 23, 2020 by Kyira Wackett in Meaningful Relationships

How we respond to and in various interactions is one of the most important sources of power we have.

Do we jump to defense when someone says something hurtful or that feels wrong? Or do we make space for others to have their own thoughts and experience? Are we trying to find a way forward or simply be right? And is it more important to have the other party hear you or react a certain way or can you simply let their reactions go?

Believe it or not, the difference in these answers is what determines who holds your power — you or the other party, or more specifically, you or your shame.

And it all comes down to whether or not you are being reactive or responsive in a given situation.