Reactive vs Responsive: Checking the Ways Our Emotions Show Up to Conversations

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How we respond to and in various interactions is one of the most important sources of power we have.

Do we jump to defense when someone says something hurtful or that feels wrong? Or do we make space for others to have their own thoughts and experience? Are we trying to find a way forward or simply be right? And is it more important to have the other party hear you or react a certain way or can you simply let their reactions go?

Believe it or not, the difference in these answers is what determines who holds your power — you or the other party, or more specifically, you or your shame.

And it all comes down to whether or not you are being reactive or responsive in a given situation.

How can we tell?

The difference, while in many cases subtle, is all tied to the role your emotions are playing in these interactions.

What do I mean by this?

Emotions are powerful tools and sources of information that should not be neglected or ignored. AND, emotions are meant to be consultants and informants, not the leaders of our interaction. Why not? Because emotions are not anchors. They ebb and flow and can vary based on the day, the person, the interaction, or even how much sleep or food we have had.

But emotions often act like sneaker waves and consume us before we have any awareness — especially shame.

When this happens, it can make it hard for us to be assertive — speaking from a place that makes and honors the space of both you and the other person(s) — and in turn, we can feel overwhelmed by our shame and assume a role of defensiveness. It becomes more about the other person and their response or reaction than us. We may shut down, try and prove we are right, or have an expectation of what we need from them or they should say or do. Essentially, we take a form of either passive, passive aggressive or aggressive communication, making what we say, think and feel about the other person and not ourselves. We are no longer rooted in our own values, thoughts and feelings but are attached to the those of the other party. And as soon as we do that, we have become reactive.

“But emotions can act like sneaker waves and consume us before we have any awareness — especially shame. ”

What does being reactive ultimately mean?

It means that we are reacting to the emotions we feel and triggers our shame is setting off in our brain that leave us feeling a threat to our connection and belonging. On the surface, it may appear as sadness, anger, resentment, anxiety or even fear. But whatever has happened in this interaction, we are now feeling some sense of threat and the “success” in the interaction is now about them versus us. “I need them to apologize and acknowledge what they did” or “They probably are right — what do I know?” or “At least I can make them feel as shitty as I feel” are just some of the thoughts that might enter your brain (even if you are not aware). These thoughts then drive the rest of the interaction.

All of this connects back to and is rooted in your shame — the underbelly of any reactive experience. We feel like our position or place is actively threatened and in order to secure it, we have to either give the power to the other person, completely detach ourselves or make them feel “small”.

Notice a theme? Exactly. All of these avenues put the other person as the focal point in the interaction. Now, we have tethered ourselves and the outcome of the interaction and subsequently, our feelings, to what they say or do rather than how we think and feel.

So, how do we stop doing this?

Trust me, I am guilty of taking the bait way more times than I would have liked to. Hanging my happiness or excitement on the way someone else responds to my news or thoughts. Putting pressure on myself to have to be right all of the time in order to be worthy or capable. Using incredibly hurtful words to put someone down when I felt wronged. And what do these situations do for me? Nothing but keep me under the control of my shame.

The answer or shift is, then, in learning to become responsive or, rather, learning to talk from a place where I can stand independent of the reactions of others. Rather than allowing my shame free rein over an interaction, I can allow my emotions, shame included, to show up but not hand them the keys to the car. I can survey them and acknowledge their presence. But I can also invite my thoughts and logic to the interaction as well. I can lean in to the space and belief that I and the other party have value and that I do not need them to react in a given way in order for me to be validated or establish my worth. If I tell someone that they hurt me or that I feel uncomfortable, that does not go away just because the other person might dismiss it or not agree. If I tell someone something I need and they do not see that as valid, my need is still viable and has a right to take up space. They do not get to erase that. AND trying to force them to respond the way I want will also not serve me.

Instead, if I am truly being responsive (and assertive), I can articulate my thoughts, needs, wants and ideas and the success in the interaction lies in simply that. I can hold space to acknowledge the other person(s) feelings without dismissing my own. They can feel what they feel and those feelings have a right to be there — but not at the expense of my own. Nor do my feelings need to trump theirs in order to be valid.

This may mean that resolution is not found in an interaction in the more traditional sense. Trust me, that sucks. Someone might never give me what I need but the reality is, we often assume we need much more than we do from others when what we truly need is to disconnect from their response — good or bad. If I like a painting I made or a talk I gave, that is worthy of being celebrated even if no one else likes or appreciated it. Sure, I can take in the information from other people — if it is helpful to my growth in the future — but that does not negate my own experience.

How can you bring this into your life?

Try these simple shifts and pivots in your daily life to help you transition from a state of being reactive to one of responsiveness:

  • “I can appreciate that we have different opinions.”

  • “I am sorry to hear that you had such a different experience of me/our interaction.”

  • “I know we all have different tastes and interests.”

  • “I can appreciate that this had a different effect on you — while that was not my intention, I would be happy to talk through that with you to find a resolution.”

  • “I feel sad that your response is ‘X’. I would have liked to have heard ‘Y” and I understand that this may not happen.”

Ready to take the next step?