Tone Policing: What is it and why do we do it?

Have you heard of the concept of "tone policing" before? Essentially, it is an (often) subconscious tool in which people with privilege dismiss marginalized people by focusing on the tone of how something is said versus what is said. For example, the focus on Black people being "too loud" or "too angry" or "too aggressive" when talking about their experiences of racism and oppression. Or, labeling women as being aggressive, b*tchy or bossy when asserting their needs or directing a conversation in the workplace. Rather than listening to the story or making space to engage with the content, we label the person or tone as a means of dismissing what they are saying. 

You ascribe meaning to how something is said to avoid dealing with or addressing what is being said. 

We are all guilty of it whether you say it aloud, think it in your head, or let that be the headline you accept on your local news channel.

Over time and as a result of chronic exhaustion, many marginalized people will begin to censor or police themselves in order to avoid the response from their counterparts and the work that has to go into making the oppressor feel validated or protected from any wrongdoing.  

How might you be an active participant in the concept of tone policing? Consider the media you consume and the conversations you are having. How is it being perpetuated in these settings? What role can you have in making that shift?

For me, I am working on noticing my internal reactions and challenging myself to ask "why" when I have the thought and explore the belief or judgment deeper. In conversations, I am trying to notice when people of privilege and power say things like "If they would just..." or “You can’t blame me for…”. 

First, I am calling out the use of "they". 

Who is “they”? 

How does it serve to talk about a collective people in such generalities? And then I am following it up with, "why?". Why should Black people not be angry? Why should women “understand” the tone of their voice? Why should non-binary folks be less argumentative? 

Why do you feel things should be handled differently? And ultimately, who is that for? Would that be the same way you would feel if a white person said this? Or a cis-gender male? Or a billionaire? 

When possible, I like to point our real-life scenarios and experiences as well to try and showcase this bias and microaggression. 

I know it is uncomfortable to admit it but you have, are, and will do this throughout your life. The ask is not that it never happens -- well, technically, that would be the goal but given the world we live in, that is a dream destined never to meet reality -- but instead that we be open to seeing that it will and doing our part to reflect on it. We spend so much time defending who we are and what we do in an attempt to limit our shame from reaching the surface. But until we face and embrace the ways we contribute to a hateful and marginalized society, we will never be able to find a foothold in peace.