From Playdates to Puzzles: The Complexities of Making Friends as Adults
Making adult friends is hard. But it is not for the reason everyone thinks.
Read MoreWait...you can be lonely even if you aren't alone?
It is incredibly common to feel lonely even when surrounded by people throughout our lives. Connection is more than just location and being around or near others. Connection is about feeling like someone understands you, is listening to you or that you can be yourself around them.
Connection is about feeling a sense of rooting in oneself that is supported by the people you are around.
But how can we understand the difference between the two and what can we do about it?
Read MoreStop assuming you have to have all of the answers
Have you ever noticed how hard it is to lose or to be wrong?
It's because most of us have been instilled with the belief that our value is driven by social capital.
Social capital is earned by being superior to or standing out amongst the rest for what we can offer or achieve.
I remember first playing the game, Euchre, and even though I was learning, I felt stupid (and frustrated) when it would take me so long to understand the game or I would make a mistake. I could hear my negative thoughts screaming - "you suck," "people are annoyed with having to play with you," and so on.
And that wasn't even about anything "important" -- it was just a card game.
But because of the ideas of social capital, compounded by our shame, we believe we must know and be good at everything to fit in and be seen as smart or intelligent.
Read MoreLove: Defining it with our senses and differentiating between how we give and receive it
Love takes work. It means putting in effort even when you are depleted. And contrary to what we want to believe, it is not convenient. Yet, it is vital to our sense of connection and fulfillment in the world.
How do we know what loves looks like and how it shows up for us? How do you want to receive or be shown that love? How do you show it? This blog post is about getting you to think more about these ideas and getting clear on the role love plays in your life and how to show it to others effectively as well as ask for it in the ways you need and want it.
Read MoreAltruism. What makes it so hard?
I hate to admit it, but I have always struggled with the concept of altruism. Doing good for goodness sake and without the need for something in return — recognition, celebration, etc.? I mean, it sounds lovely. In the broader sense, it is about being content or confident enough in our sense of self that we no longer need or are pressured by others assessment of us — our character, our list of deeds — to feel worthy and whole. But this seemed a gift that was not to be bestowed on me. I mean, I enjoy doing nice things for others. But I always felt this desire to be celebrated for it, finding myself disappointed when things would go unnoticed.
The problem is, then, the desire to be recognized created a sense of shame in me. Why do I care so much if people know? What is it that drives me to want people to know my values and goodness? And why do I assume it is only in my behaviors that this comes through? I reflected on this a lot, especially as a means of addressing the shame I felt about it and I boiled it down to two main issues:
An insecure attachment: Meaning, as a child, I struggled with the confidence that people would be there for me consistently.
The expansion of the social media empire