Stop assuming you have to have all of the answers

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"Wisdom is not about having all of the answers. it is about having the courage to keep growing and evolving. "

- Kyira Wackett

Have you ever noticed how hard it is to lose or to be wrong?

It's because most of us have been instilled with the belief that our value is driven by social capital.

Social capital is earned by being superior to or standing out amongst the rest for what we can offer or achieve.

I remember first playing the game, Euchre, and even though I was learning, I felt stupid (and frustrated) when it would take me so long to understand the game or I would make a mistake. I could hear my negative thoughts screaming - "you suck," "people are annoyed with having to play with you," and so on.

And that wasn't even about anything "important" -- it was just a card game.

But because of the ideas of social capital, compounded by our shame, we believe we must know and be good at everything to fit in and be seen as smart or intelligent.

Unfortunately, schooling does not help this fact. It often becomes about getting an A rather than learning and exploring. And for many kids, they find themselves unable to match up and internalize a belief they are less than. Kids want to be celebrated. However, because of these subjective and exclusionary appraisal systems, they jump onto a conveyor belt of beliefs that touts individuality but breeds conformity and unilateral achievement standards.

I think this is part of why people hesitate to call themselves leaders or strive to be one in their lives -- the misconception that we have to be right or have all of the answers; otherwise, we have "failed" or are ineffective.

But do you think Barack Obama knew every answer to every question or problem during his presidency? Or that he always made the right choice (regardless of where you stand in the line of politics)?

It's this weird rule we adhere ourselves to, believing you cannot make a mistake or have a past filled with evolution and adaptation to be on top.

You must conform, achieve and mitigate risk and failure or be shunned, ridiculed or demoted for it.

But in reality, the best leaders are the ones willing to be wrong.

Leaders are the ones who are willing to stand in the arena and fight, sometimes having to rethink our stance or allow the voices of others to supersede our own.

We are not meant to have all of the answers.

To be wise is not to isolate or assume a responsibility unfair to you, and in reality, in favor of silencing the voices of others and the vulnerability that lies within exploration and curiosity. Wisdom is being able to have different opinions and to learn how to evolve and show up with integrity even as those opinions and ideas evolve.

I struggle with this a lot when it comes to being a therapist. I'm sure the ideas of being an "A" student and what it means to achieve success did not help. But part of becoming a therapist is about learning how to approach people in distress and trying things out that may miss the boat or don't land with your clients. Feedback and supervision are key. And while I agree with the concept of feedback and criticism, I am not without a giant list of defenses when faced with it.

Why? Logically, I know I am not supposed to be right all of the time. In fact, I have fallen on my face many a time and have had clients tell me I let them down or could not give them what they needed. What's worse is when you think you "get it," and they tell you that you are not even close. But I can get past all of that.

I struggle with this weird belief that amongst my peers, predecessors, and leaders in the field, I have to always appear calm and to have the answers.

The idea of any different opinion or suggested verbiage to use with a client leaves me feeling angry and attacked. Logically, while I am writing this, I know it's ridiculous. But in the moment, it is something that my body and brain have coded to mean I am a failure, and it feels like a threat to my wisdom, abilities, and role in the field. That being said, I know this is an area I have to grow. I want feedback. I want to learn. But I hate that so much of my self-worth has become tied to the notion that I cannot get it because if I am not "right," then I "failed."

I am working on challenging the norms of my irrational beliefs. I am working on revisiting the internalized views of worth and wisdom I hold for myself and aligning them more with the ideals I covet for others. And I am working to bring the power of vulnerability into my life, reminding myself that people do not expect perfection to give respect.

People are looking for leaders with the courage to be wrong or to fail. They are looking for people willing to lead and to own their own humanity and mistakes.

And if we can all hold on to that, reminding ourselves our job is to grow, not to peak, then perhaps, we can all gain more wisdom and shatter the shackles placed on younger generations that have kept us on that conveyer belt of performance and perfection-seeking.

  • What messages did you receive growing up about what it meant to be "smart," "wise," and a "leader"? How do you see those definitions affecting you now -- good, bad, and neutral?

  • How do you feel about losing? Being wrong? How do you react? What negative self-talk accompanies these situations?

  • How do you take negative or constructive feedback? What types of fears and negative self-talk does it activate?

  • Can you think of someone/people you respect or would label as "wise" who didn't always get it "right" or weren't always "perfect"? What about their character stands out to you? What do you admire about them?

If fear of criticism or failure was not a concern, what would you like to do, try or explore? For me, so much of it is wanting to be seen as having value, especially if I am asking people to pay to work with me. But, too often, I get stuck in the pressures of trying to meet everyone's needs — to be everything for everyone. But that is both impossible and unhelpful. People don't want all of the answers. And it is my ego that would assume I could even know the answers for everyone else's life. People simply want a safe space to start exploring the questions.

  • How can you rewrite a definition of wisdom that is more inclusive and removes the notion of being "right" or "superior"?

  • How can you allow your own wisdom and ideas to show up more in your life and be shared with others?

  • What can you do in the next 2 weeks to take a step forward in this work?

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