Shame: The universal experience no one talks about.
The topic of shame has been coming up a lot in both my personal and professional life lately. People consumed with a feeling that overrides their thoughts, feelings and behaviors and unsure of where to go next. The problem is that this has become the norm for so many of us that we do not even realize the effect it is having on us. It’s as if we gave shame the keys to drive the bus of our lives but can’t ever remember doing it nor do we have any idea how to get them back.
First things first — what is shame exactly?
Shame is a feeling. It is something that everyone experiences (unless you were born without the ability to feel emotions). So, in a weird way, it is something that connects us all and yet works to keep us apart. The definition? It is the threat to disconnection — real or perceived.
See, as humans, the sense of belonging is a vital as air and water. We need to feel as though we are connected to others and if there is ever a threat to the security in that connection, we feel shame.
Why do people keep talking about shame? How is this any different from feeling guilty?
No, though these two words are commonly transposed in our culture.
Guilt is also a feeling, but guilt serves a very different role. The basic difference between guilt and shame is where we attribute the “fault” or problem. To feel guilty means saying, “I did something bad.” To feel shame means saying, “I am bad.”
See the difference? It is a subtle and CRUCIAL detail to note. If I did something bad, that means that the action I took was bad/wrong/hurtful, etc. It suggests that I made a mistake and did something that goes against mine or the overarching cultural norms and values. AND, if I did something wrong, I can correct it, whether that be through fixing what is broken, apologizing, making a commitment to doing better int he future, owning my mistake, etc. I am making space to allow that future choices and actions will be better and not defining myself based on one action.
But, if I simply am bad, that is not something I can’t fix as easily. Shame-based thinking is consuming. It says that we, as a whole, are broken, messed up or problematic. If I am inherently fucked up or shitty, then usually, the only response is try and accept that I am fucked up and shitty. And when we feel this feeling at our core, the only solution shame gives us is to use a complex system of defenses to try and minimize our “exposure” or the number of people who “find us out" in order to try and secure a continued place int he world around us.
Where does it come from?
Remember talking about those pesky core beliefs? Yep, I know. They keep rearing their ugly heads. See, our core beliefs are usually shame based feelings - “I am not worthy”, “I am unlovable” “I am not good enough”, etc. And from those core beliefs births our self talk, self esteem, and overall understanding of ourselves and our place in the world.
Now, remember, we all feel shame. It is a feeling we are meant to feel - like all other feelings. It may not be our favorite feeling, and it is normal that we feel it. The problem becomes when shame is the overarching or dominant feeling consuming our lives. When that happens, we hit the yellow and red flag zones, with disconnection, resentment, and isolation right around the corner.
Why does this happen? Well, in many instances it is because shame has become a taboo feeling to discuss. It was not until Brene Brown started to create a more accessible platform for people to engage with the feeling that we even saw it taught in therapy training programs, written about or even addressed on a cultural level. In fact, in the past 2 years, it is one of the leading topics I get asked to come in and present on, especially with mental health providers, as too many of us are existing without a clear understanding of shame and how to address it both in ourselves and with our clients. That being said, this is not something you could have helped. We follow the cues of the culture we grow up in and if we exist in a culture that had tried to stuff shame beneath the surface, like a beach ball in a pool, 1) of course you won’t know it’s normal or how to address it and 2) when it bursts, it will feel all-consuming and likely, hits you in the face.
In addition to the cultural norms around emotions and vulnerability, there are other risk factors that contribute to the role shame plays in our lives, including:
Trauma, abuse, and neglect
Intermittent reinforcement or the inability to predict when you will get positive or loving responses as opposed to anger, disappointment or dismissal, particularly from caregivers
Feeling as though we cannot meet others standards
Feeling left out or isolated
Abrupt endings and changes
How does it effect us?
See, the weird thing is that shame thinks it is being helpful. It thinks that by taking over our thoughts, feelings and behaviors, it can help us combat this threat and thereby, re-secure our connection. But it is not actually that helpful. Instead, it forces us to live in a state of predictable shittyness, using external cues, motivation and validation to guide our behaviors rather than focusing on self-efficacy, our intrinsic worth and the beliefs and values that root us to ourselves. We become insecure, have difficulty engaging in interpersonal relationships, have higher symptoms of depression and anxiety and ultimately, can lose ourselves in a spiral of shame based thinking, feeling and behaving.
Since shame leaves us feeling inherently fucked up, the only option it gives us it to try and deflect others from seeing our true selves by enacting one of three interpersonal defenses or as Brene Brown refers to them — strategies for disconnection. These responses are often enacted without volition and their goal is to try and combat the threat shame encounters in that moment.
What are they?
Moving Towards. We become people pleasers and assume a more subservient role with others in our life because we assume hat the only way to maintain and secure connection is by doing something for them and taking care of things. We set ourselves up to feel needed which makes us feel “safe.” The problem? People come to expect this from you and it is really hard to change your relationships to be treated equally or to feel seen when your shame defense has kept you hidden from this for so long.
Moving Away. We isolate. We avoid. We stop responding to texts or emails and become distant, silent and disengaged. Alcohol, weed, eating disorders, and even sleep are all tools of this strategy for connection. It is a protective mask that has us removing ourselves before others can do it to us. It gives us a false sense of control but ultimately is done when we feel so overwhelmed that we cannot engage with anyone anymore. The problem? When we are “ready” or forced to come back to the “real world”, all of that stress is still waiting there for us, so this often becomes a vicious cycle of engaging and disengaging.
Moving Against. We fight shame with shame and anger. The point? Because our shame brain tells us that we will never be able to reach the level that others are at so instead, if we can use shame and anger against them, perhaps we can bring them down to our level, thereby securing our connection and establishing a sense of security. The problem? It often leads to greater feelings of shame because we are hurting those around us and can become very isolating. It creates a power imbalance and rather than making space for everyone to be seen, we end up casting shadows onto others and perpetuating others shame spirals.
Which one do you notice you fall into most? With who?
Again, we all do every one of these at different points in our lives. And judging ourselves for them is not helpful because again, we cannot address what we didn’t understand.
Okay, but now that I am starting to see how shame is effecting my life, what can I do about it?
Like most things I talk to you about, this topic is a much larger topic than something you can fully address in a few steps. It takes time and a balance of both insight and action in order to truly walk through and get to the other side of it. AND, for now, here are a few tips to get started in your fight against shame:
Start talking about your shame. The power source for shame is silence. The more we stay inside our heads, the more shame gets to write our narrative. Share your shame stories so that it loses its power and you can take back the pen to write your own story.
Identify your shame triggers. Know the people, places and situations that activate your shame and get curious about how that connects back to your core beliefs and negative self talk.
Practice self-care. No, really! Do it. Practicing self care — and no, I do not just mean bubble baths and spa days, but anything that relaxes you and helps you reset — is vital to longterm health and wellness. It releases the hormone oxytocin (yep, the baby hormone) which increases your sense of connection, trust and calm with yourself. It also causes effects emotional stability — something shame does a really great job of trying to dismantle.
Let go of relationships that reinforce your shame narrative. This can be incredibly painful. For me, I had to let go of almost every relationship with my family and cut out a lot of friends from my past, which in it of itself enacted my shame spiral because I felt like the problem must be me and the loneliness that comes from “cleaning house” can be hard to sit with. But I can tell you this, by learning how to tolerate my distress and walk through that period of loneliness, I freed up space to start making connections with people who counteracted rather than reinforced my shame. They lifted me up and held me accountable not only to them but to myself.