When has "getting over it" ever actually worked? Do this instead.

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We are constantly forcing ourselves to "get over it."

We fear conflict and challenging conversations to the point we bury our feelings inside until we either explode or become so detached and resentful we no longer engage meaningfully in our relationships.

Why do we do it? The short answer, it's easier...in the moment, anyway.

  • Why would you talk to your partner about how dismissed and hurt you feel when you can just pretend it's fine and "get over it"?

  • Why would you tell your friend they hurt your feelings the last time you were together and it is still sitting with you? It's so much better to exert the endless energy to shove it deep down below, isn't it?

  • Why would you tell your boss you're feeling unappreciated and underpaid when you can just keep making shit money doing 10X your job description? At least you have a job.

We constantly sacrifice our wants and needs to ease tension.

We equate conflict with unhealthy relationships or with being "dramatic" or selfish. We have developed a deeply entrenched system of beliefs that tell us our job is to cause as few waves as possible and to just keep "taking it" and holding a smile on our faces.

  • You don't want to be seen as dramatic, do you?

  • Wouldn't you rather have shitty relationships than none at all?

  • You should be grateful for what you do have, right?

This list of ridiculous beliefs is endless and, unfortunately, traps so many of us in a lifetime of repression and stagnancy.

Now, the trick is...

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Stop assuming you have to have all of the answers

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Have you ever noticed how hard it is to lose or to be wrong?

It's because most of us have been instilled with the belief that our value is driven by social capital.

Social capital is earned by being superior to or standing out amongst the rest for what we can offer or achieve.

I remember first playing the game, Euchre, and even though I was learning, I felt stupid (and frustrated) when it would take me so long to understand the game or I would make a mistake. I could hear my negative thoughts screaming - "you suck," "people are annoyed with having to play with you," and so on.

And that wasn't even about anything "important" -- it was just a card game.

But because of the ideas of social capital, compounded by our shame, we believe we must know and be good at everything to fit in and be seen as smart or intelligent.

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