Wait...you can be lonely even if you aren't alone?
This idea of loneliness is a concept that is often misunderstood.
It is incredibly common to feel lonely even when surrounded by people throughout our lives.
Connection is more than just location and being around or near others.
Connection is about feeling like someone understands you, listening to you, or being yourself around them.
Connection is about feeling a sense of rooting in oneself supported by the people you are around.
For years, I didn't understand the difference between being alone and lonely. I thought, "If I am around all of these people, why do I still feel this way?" I assumed the problem was me. I never considered that the problem might lie in the types of connections and people I was spending time with and the sense of safety, security, and vulnerability I felt with them.
I would ask myself things like:
"What's wrong with me?"
"Why don't they care?"
"Don't I matter?"
"What am I doing wrong?"
When we get to this place, we get stuck in a narrative of self-deprecation and blame — which serves no one and only makes us feel less deserving of real connection.
To shift out of this belief, we need to understand the difference between being alone versus being lonely.
To be alone is to be with one's self.
Typically, that refers to a physical/spatial experience. Being alone is often a part of a healthy life and, importantly, is necessary to really deepen our relationship with ourselves and practice self-care.
Lonely refers to a cognitive, emotional, or spiritual longing or sensation. It refers to the idea of being unfulfilled or lacking in some area. This is likely an experience you have had when you were not meeting your needs in relationships. It is unavoidable, as we will all experience it associated with different types of loss and change.
Loneliness is a cue we long for something different from what our current connections offer or as a result of what we have lost.
When loneliness becomes more pervasive, it can lead to an increased sense of shame, self-deprecating thoughts, lowered self-esteem, and an increase in fear and anxiety. Loneliness can occur even when we are not alone since it's independent of physical connection or closeness.
This means we cannot solve our loneliness by not being alone. It is about the type and depth of connection, not the relationship itself.
We have to consider what meaningful connection looks like and what gets in the way of achieving it.
Time to reflect:
How do you understand the two ideas?
How has loneliness played a role in your past and present life?
How can you draw the distinction between these two ideas in your own life?
Is there more to this experience that will be important to sort out?
Ask yourself how you feel about time alone and how that adds or detracts from your life and the ways you can see meaning and value in that.
Now consider:
How do you know you feel connected?
What are you longing for?
How can you get it?
Inspired to go deeper and really enact change in your life?
If you are tired of piece-mealing the work together and feeling stuck with exactly what to do and how to go about it, check out my immersive 5-Phase shame resilience program, "THAT LIFE / AR" that takes you from burnt out to rooted.
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