From Playdates to Puzzles: The Complexities of Making Friends as Adults

Making adult friends is hard. But it is not for the reason everyone thinks. Sure, it can be harder to find "your people". When we are in school, the power of proximity is much higher. Put into a box with hundreds of other kids, you are bound to find people you connect with.

But as we get older, we have to actively seek out connections. We have to work harder to meet and connect with those around us, especially people with shared interests, values and norms. But there is an even bigger barrier we need to address. See, kids aren't just fortunate to have a higher concentration of people their age around, they are also much more open and willing to be vulnerable. They are willing to put themselves out there and have a much lower fear of rejection. They will invite themselves over to people's houses, ask others to be their friend or if they can join in on a game. They face rejection every day and have (for the most part) significant resilience in facing it. I just watched it happen with my 3.5 year daughter this morning.

But that willingness and resilience seems to fade as we get older. Suddenly, the fear of rejection becomes paralyzing. We see our worth and value as being dependent on other’s approval. The fear of putting ourselves out there with someone to be rejected or left behind feels too heavy, so we instead, isolate, avoid and turn inward.

We stay within our realms of predictable crappyness — with friendships, partnerships, jobs and even our families. We stay in what we know and just put our heads down and grind it out, trying to sell ourselves the lie of being “fine”. But if we are being honest with ourselves, it’s not working. We aren’t fine. And we need connections that extend deeper than a performance-version of ourselves. We need people we can breathe around and let them fully into who we are.

The only way to cross that bridge is to decide that putting yourself out there is worth more than not. The possibility of rejection is not worse than mediocore and performative connections. We have to allow the possibility that who we are is more important than what we do or what other’s think of us. You have to allow yourself to be seen — fully. And detach yourself from the fear of rejection. Not every friendship is supposed to be lifelong. Not every relationship sis going to be stellar. Reserve the right to try, flail and fail. That doesn’t mean you or the other person are less than or undeserving. It simply means it didn’t work out.

Because on the other side of this willingness is a connection you have longed for and are more than deserving of having.