Do You Have Healthy Boundaries?
The short answer is probably not.
Most people don't.
Shame, fear, self-doubt, limiting beliefs all get in the way of setting healthy boundaries and since these experiences are universal, we are all at risk for boundary disruption and erosion.
Plus, none of us have lived in a pandemic before which has been a major stressor and dismantling of our boundaries.
I say this because as we develop insight, we tend to judge ourselves. But judgment demands punishment, which does nothing but perpetuates our shame. Instead, just accept it now. You have unhealthy boundaries and are doing what you can to evolve, pivot, and grow.
How do I know?
The biggest point to consider when it comes to whether or not you have healthy boundaries is if they are working for you and allowing you to live a life you are excited about and can thrive in. Ultimately, everyone will set and maintain different boundaries. What might work for me may not work for you. What may look healthy for you, may not be healthy for me.
Here are yellow or red flags to consider:
Do you lack your own identity? One outside of a specific role or with another person? This occurs when we define ourselves (or others) by what they do or who they are connected to. For example, are you known as the marketing guru? X's spouse? Y's caregiver? Or are you seen as a whole person, and identified as such; celebrated for all you are, and not just what you do, or the one role you are in? A lack of boundaries is often correlated with wrapping up our view of ourselves into just one element of our lives. This may be us pouring our time into our work because we feel like we should, and then it becomes our sole identity or purpose.
Are you settling for "good enough" or "fine" in life? Are you under the belief that this is all you deserve or that this predictably crappy relationship or role is "not that big of a deal"? The number of times we tell ourselves we are, or “should be” fine is comical and is one of the primary webs of shame we get caught in. These beliefs stem from the idea that if we dare reach for something better, or ask for what we need, there are too many consequences. Professionally, you may be thinking, "If I ask for what I need at work, I may get fired" or "If I am not working 60+ hour weeks, they won't think I am committed to the job or give me a promotion". Personally, you might tell yourself, “It could be worse. At least they don’t…” or “No one is ever truly happy…” or “I never really wanted ‘X’ anyway”.
Have you experienced role or responsibility confusion? Are you taking on responsibility for things that are not yours and at your own expense? Oppositely, are you pushing the responsibility of your life and happiness on everyone else to shift blame and attention? This happens a lot and, and no surprises here, it's also connected to our shame. Either we believe we have to do it all in order to prove our worth or we make it everyone else's responsibility and problem to protect ourselves from feeling as though we have failed. Both sides of the pendulum lead to the same destination of feeling lonely and disconnected in our relationships, feeling resentful and deepening our shame narrative.
Unclear on if this is happening?
In general, the answer is almost unanimously yes — we all struggle with this to some degree. But to get clearer on what it may look like for you, take some time and write down all of the roles and relationships in your life and ask yourself where you may be taking on more or less than what is yours to carry.
This can also present itself as multitasking or overextending. For example, when you are with your family are you still checking your work email? When you are in a meeting or training, are you trying to catch up on other work? When you are taking time for self-care, are you engaging in tasks for others?
One of the biggest ways I see this presenting itself for people is in playing the role of nurturer or rescuer. What does this mean? It means we take on the responsibility of fixing everyone and everything around us to ensure others are okay, often at our own expense. It also means we overextend or cross boundaries in our roles and connections in order to try and be everything that person needs (or we perceive they need). For example, when you take on the role of caregiver for your partner or become a person-in-place of a therapist for a coworker.
Are you living under the "someday" fantasy? This is a belief that undermines our ability to take action in our lives now to create a life we can thrive in. We tell ourselves that unhappiness or exhaustion or these "extra" responsibilities and time are just temporary and that "someday" things will get better. But guess what? Nothing changes unless we change it. Why would someone ask for less when you are willing to give so much? Why would I settle for less work being done when you are given me more output? The person benefiting from your "over-" will not be the one willing to take less unless you ignite that change. This means that, unfortunately, the burden of responsibility is on you to change and set the boundary and deal with your own and others' distress as they adjust.
This is a lot to think about. Trust me, I get it. And every time I think about this work, I am reminded of the growth opportunities I have in my own boundaries, which is a reminder this work is never done. Our boundaries, needs, and wants are always changing and so it is important we reflect on them often and again, ask ourselves the most important question - how are they working for you?
I know the urgency we begin to feel to try and fix or change or situation but I implore you not to rush to action until you have had some time to generate more insight. Use the following questions as prompts to help you go deeper. And when you are ready for the next steps, I am just a comment or email away!
What is coming up for me as I am thinking about my boundaries in my personal and professional life?
Where do these come from?
How are they working for me?
Which if these yellow flags are present for me and how can I shift my mindset? What do I have to work through or past in order to do this?