Are you alone or lonely? Learn the crucial difference
Are you alone or lonely?
There is a subtle difference in these words, but an ocean of difference in the meaning.
To be alone describes a state of being -- literally alone, or without someone around either in a particular moment such as me, right now, as I sit at my kitchen table and write this blog post with no one around me or in a particular role or connection such as, without a partner or living alone.
It can be associated with a feeling of loneliness but in many cases, it's just a fact about one’s current state or present connection(s).
Loneliness is a far more complex beast to understand. It is a psychological state of longing or lacking, where one feels unfilled in their relationships, and views themselves as less than those around them in terms of either the number of connections they have or the quality of those relationships. It has to do with type and depth of connection and a state of security within that.
To be lonely is an experience independent of how many people you have in your life, or your physical proximity to others. I spent years surrounded by people throughout my life with the ache of loneliness omnipresent. Why? Because those relationships were not built on a safe, secure, and/or genuine connection. Connection is about feeling seen, safe, and heard. It is about feeling understood and that I am worthy of love and connection as is.
But the problem is that when we find ourselves feeling that sense of want or longing, the story we tell ourselves is that somehow we are not deserving of it or have done something to screw up our chances of it. And while, in some instances that may be true, it is generally a sign that shame is writing the story of your life. We blame ourselves for others hurting us, or not showing up. We assume we didn’t do “enough” to “earn” the affection or safety we sought or assume we should settle for “fine” or “good enough” in our relationships, to avoid the fear of being both alone and lonely. Self-deprecation floods our minds:
"What's wrong with me?"
"Why don't they care?"
"Don't I matter?"
"What am I doing wrong?"
And all this does is keep us stuck in an endless cycle of self-hatred, shame, and avoidance. We deepen the belief we are the problem so we take ourselves off the market for genuine connection before it even comes our way. We make ourselves the central paint point in everyone else’s life, taking on responsibility for their poor delivery in a relationship and make it okay for them.
So, what can we do?
First, acknowledge that you are not the problem in everyone else’s story and that you deserve to be seen, feel safe, and be heard.
Second, we have to get curious about the role shame has been playing in our lives and get clear on what we are truly experiencing and feeling. Remember, to be alone does not have to leave us feeling lonely and in many ways, being alone is crucial to establishing the sense of self-rooting needed to not lose yourself in your shame or the assessments and judgments of others.
Get out a journal or start a voice memo and ask yourself the following:
How would you know the difference between when you are lonely and alone?
How do you feel about time alone? Does it add or detract from the quality of your life?
Where do you feel the deepest sense of longing? Why? What role has your shame played in this narrative? Are you isolating, avoiding, or self-sabotaging as a result of these shame-based beliefs?
How would you know what connection feels like? What do you need to truly experience it?
And how do you make space to start working towards it with yourself, as this is truly the most meaningful of any connection we have.
Ready to deeper on uncovering and working through/past your shame? Sick and tired of feeling like loneliness creeps in no matter what you do? Perhaps it’s time to snag your copy of the, “I Love Me” self-love workbook focusing on integrating and loving the past, present, and future self and creating connections that enhance and fulfill you in life.