Love: Defining it with our senses and differentiating between how we give and receive it

December 14, 2021 by Kyira Wackett in Meaningful Relationships

Love takes work. It means putting in effort even when you are depleted. And contrary to what we want to believe, it is not convenient. Yet, it is vital to our sense of connection and fulfillment in the world.

How do we know what loves looks like and how it shows up for us? How do you want to receive or be shown that love? How do you show it? This blog post is about getting you to think more about these ideas and getting clear on the role love plays in your life and how to show it to others effectively as well as ask for it in the ways you need and want it.

Why You Have To Leave Your Comfort Zone To Thrive.

December 07, 2021 by Kyira Wackett in Values-Driven Learning, Distress Tolerance

Stagnancy. It may not seem like it, but this is one of the most detrimental life holds: to live in complacency.

To be guided by what becomes the “predictable shittyness” of our life — sacrificing the possibility of “what if” for the known.

Don’t get me wrong. Stability and predictability can be wonderful and in some cases necessary, but those are not synonymous with stagnancy.

Stagnancy is the protective and avoidant choice we make to stay in our comfort zones, protecting ourselves against ambiguity and fear.

People Pleasing: Why we do it and why you need to stop RIGHT NOW.

November 30, 2021 by Kyira Wackett in Addressing Shame

Shame is often developed early in life and leads to a life filled with a constant state of threat of connection and acceptance. Shame operates under the assumption that we are inherently not good enough and the only way to belong is to make sure no one sees these deficits in our true self. As such, it does what it can to mitigate the threat by forcing us to adapt our behaviors and interpersonal relationships.

And it's best line of defense? People pleasing.

The hope?

Getting away from the drive to complain and focusing on the "bad"

November 23, 2021 by Kyira Wackett in Distress Tolerance

We all know there is a difference between venting and complaining. Yes, there are definitely times we need to get things off of our chest, lightening our emotional and mental load. But there is a fine line when we are no longer venting and ease into the lane of complaining and stagnation.

Not only does it mean you feel a greater sense of emotional distress with the situation, but you are also literally rewiring your brain to stay in what I call the “lane of negativity”. Have you ever heard the phrase, “neurons that fire together, wire together”? Essentially, it means the more we complain, the more our brain conditions itself to see the negative in this and future situations.

To shift away from this destructive and limited thinking, we have to start by assessing for the external forces/reinforcers that have created this brain pattern…

Altruism. What makes it so hard?

November 16, 2021 by Kyira Wackett in Meaningful Relationships

I hate to admit it, but I have always struggled with the concept of altruism. Doing good for goodness sake and without the need for something in return — recognition, celebration, etc.? I mean, it sounds lovely. In the broader sense, it is about being content or confident enough in our sense of self that we no longer need or are pressured by others assessment of us — our character, our list of deeds — to feel worthy and whole. But this seemed a gift that was not to be bestowed on me. I mean, I enjoy doing nice things for others. But I always felt this desire to be celebrated for it, finding myself disappointed when things would go unnoticed.

The problem is, then, the desire to be recognized created a sense of shame in me. Why do I care so much if people know? What is it that drives me to want people to know my values and goodness? And why do I assume it is only in my behaviors that this comes through? I reflected on this a lot, especially as a means of addressing the shame I felt about it and I boiled it down to two main issues:

An insecure attachment: Meaning, as a child, I struggled with the confidence that people would be there for me consistently.
The expansion of the social media empire