Getting away from the drive to complain and focusing on the "bad"

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We all know there is a difference between venting and complaining. Yes, there are definitely times we need to get things off of our chest, lightening our emotional and mental load. But there is a fine line when we are no longer venting and ease into the lane of complaining and stagnation. 

Not only does it mean you feel a greater sense of emotional distress with the situation, but you are also literally rewiring your brain to stay in what I call the “lane of negativity”. Have you ever heard the phrase, “neurons that fire together, wire together”? Essentially, it means the more we complain, the more our brain conditions itself to see the negative in this and future situations. 

To shift away from this destructive and limited thinking, we have to start by assessing for the external forces/reinforcers that have created this brain pattern:

  • With who/where are you spending time leading you to get stuck in these cycles of negativity and complaining?

  • What keeps you here? What do you gain? Ex. Do you feel a more a part of the group at work? Do you feel more bonded to a coworker or friend?

  • How can you begin to break away from this? What gets in your way? For example, do you try too hard to fit in with your coworkers, whereby you engage in complaining/negativity to “fit in”?

The phrase “It’s hard to see the forest through the trees” helps drive home the point. 

When we get stuck in the details of our suffering or the chaos of our experiences and lives, it can become hard to find balance in our perspective or trust that our current reality will not be ours forever. 

We often talk about this becoming a rigid, all-or-nothing perspective — assuming a sense of stuckness as we begin to see only what is directly in front of us. Instead, we need to find the shades of gray and look for a broader or less emotionally-laden perspective. We still need to see the details in the trees to address our current problems or struggles, but we also need to be able to step back and see views of the forest to help our brain separate from the negativity facing or created by us. 

  • In what situations do you find yourself stuck in the “trees”? What would it look like to step back or take a new perspective? (Ex. Talk to someone outside of the situation or take a break from “X.”)

  • Think of a time when you got lost in the chaos or details of your life, what was going on? Ex. A missed opportunity, a break-up, a fight with a loved one. What do you remember feeling and what fears did you have? What thoughts do you remember?

  • What can you see now that would apply to these past situations? How could you help yourself break away and get a different perspective or see beyond that experience or time? How can you use that in the future?

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