Write Your Own Story. Live That Life / AR.
Stagnancy. It may not seem like it, but this is one of the most detrimental life holds: to live in complacency.
To be guided by what becomes the “predictable shittyness” of our life — sacrificing the possibility of “what if” for the known.
Don’t get me wrong. Stability and predictability can be wonderful and in some cases necessary, but those are not synonymous with stagnancy.
We all know there is a difference between venting and complaining. Yes, there are definitely times we need to get things off of our chest, lightening our emotional and mental load. But there is a fine line when we are no longer venting and ease into the lane of complaining and stagnation.
Not only does it mean you feel a greater sense of emotional distress with the situation, but you are also literally rewiring your brain to stay in what I call the “lane of negativity”. Have you ever heard the phrase, “neurons that fire together, wire together”? Essentially, it means the more we complain, the more our brain conditions itself to see the negative in this and future situations.
To shift away from this destructive and limited thinking, we have to start by assessing for the external forces/reinforcers that have created this brain pattern…
Read MoreIn high school, I used to buy the most ridiculous clothing because it was “cool”. Hollister polos and Abercrombie jeans anyone? I listened to the music everyone else wanted…and for the record, country music was NEVER a joyful tune to me. I let others influence my opinion or vote -- even in presidential elections, went along with the plans of others, broke up with someone my group of friends found to be “unacceptable”. And one of the hardest ones to admit is that I would make fun of people because that was how others exchanged social capital and “connected” was through exclusion.
As an adult, many of these same pieces continued. From clothes, sharing my options, the work I did, and the perpetuation of busyness, shame, and fear-based thinking.
Read MoreWe spend too much time giving ourselves to everyone else -- becoming who we think we have to be in order to be liked, accepted, and to belong. Why? The fear of not belonging. The fear that we will not be accepted unless we conform to the world around us. This is the mark of shame. This is the root of how shame gets its power - making us believe that we, alone, are not good enough and so have to assume a new identity or character to play throughout our lives.
We do it all the time. Conform to the group around us. Hide an opinion to sound more “easy going”. Act excited and happy when we feel exhausted and annoyed.
Driven by the belief that we must perform to the standards of those around us, we put on a mask, every day, and try to be the version of ourselves we think the people around us will best respond to.
I did this for years - always going with the flow, taking care of everyone’s problems, being the person who could handle anything with a smile on her face.