Conforming. No, this is not just a teenage problem. And it’s time we all stopped.

Oh geez…let’s just say that I need more than 2 hands to count all of the ways I have done this. And that is not a knock on myself — we are all guilty of this. 

In high school, I used to buy the most ridiculous clothing because it was “cool”. Hollister polos and Abercrombie jeans anyone? I listened to the music everyone else wanted…and for the record, country music was NEVER a joyful tune to me. I let others influence my opinion or vote -- even in presidential elections, I went along with the plans of others, broke up with someone my group of friends found to be “unacceptable”. And one of the hardest ones to admit is that I would make fun of or gossip about people because that was how others exchanged social capital and “connected” -- through exclusion.

As an adult, many of these same pieces continued. From clothes, sharing my options, the work I did, and the perpetuation of busyness, shame, and fear-based thinking.

Why do we do it? 

Because we are all driven by the inherent human need to belong. Now, it is true that we all need connection to survive. But shame has really f*cked up our understanding of how we go about this, confusing the idea of belonging with conformity and the pressure to perform or to play a part to fit into some grand design.

What do we do about it? 

The first thing is to start by gaining clarity on who we are. 

• What do we believe? 

• What do we like? 

• What do we need, want, and deserve to feel whole? 

Now compare that to the “you” that has been existing until now. What discrepancies do you notice? What does it look like to pivot from the performance self to the true self? How can you create a life that is authentically yours and align your internal and external self in ways that allow you to feel a genuine connection?

Looking for some support on how to do this? Check out this handout I created to help walk through this process.