The concept of people-pleasing has always made me curious. I've always done it or, at least, had the propensity to do it. It almost feels like a compulsion — I have to take care of everyone else, and it must be my fault when something goes wrong. What is it that leads us to take on this burden of responsibility, losing ourselves in the drive to be accepted and belong? And why is it that I always feel more anxious and alone when I do it?

Shame or the threat to human connection.

Shame is often developed early in life and leads to a life filled with a constant state of threat of connection and acceptance. Shame operates under the assumption that we are inherently not good enough and the only way to belong is to make sure no one sees these deficits in our true self. As such, it does what it can to mitigate the threat by forcing us to adapt our behaviors and interpersonal relationships.

And it's best line of defense? People pleasing. The hope?

If I can be of service to others, they will need me. And if they need me, I will have guaranteed connection, thus eliminating the fear of becoming obsolete.

Impact

We fill every mental, emotional and spiritual void with others burdens. We devote all of our time to the service of others, and when we are not actively engaged in taking care of people, we are doing our best to anticipate the needs of others. In this, we often open up the door to allow others' repressed emotions, shame and worry into our lives, only exacerbating the negativity we hold within ourselves.

But here's the thing. For some time, this will work. We can take on the role of "selective inferiority" to all others, serving and anticipating their every need and we will, in some ways, feel more connected, more valuable. But at what cost? For me, it was at the cost of my voice and my confidence. I lost my ability to stand up for myself and assert my needs. I became passive in the hopes of being wanted and liked. And by only giving my energy to those around me, never replenishing or recharging it by taking care of my own needs and wants, I found myself mentally, emotionally and physically unwell. My energy reserves depleted, the number of masks I wore infinite and the feeling of genuine connection absent in my life, I felt more alone than ever before. I was hopeless and bordering on suicidal.

And that is the power of shame.

Shame's false promises distract you with false hope while stealing your authenticity, leaving you feeling resentful, fatigued and hopeless.

And from there, it can breed resentment, isolation, anger, and fear - all of which work to keep you even more disconnected from the world around you.

So, what is the answer?

No, I'm not suggesting we stop showing up for each other or leading with empathy and compassion for others or even that we stop giving energy to caring about what people think. It isn't about moving from giving all of ourselves to none of ourselves. It is about creating greater clarity on the "why" that drives us in our actions to please others.

It is about generating insight and having the ability to challenge the notion that we must be universally liked and useful to be of worth and value.

We can show compassion and support without losing ourselves. And better yet, we can show up for ourselves as well, working to build greater connection within ourselves AND with others.

What's the "why" that drives you to take on the burdens of others, casting your own needs and pain to the wayside?
How do you find shame and fear to be motivating your behavior? Where did it come from (early experiences, others' expectations, etc)?
How might you better separate when you are showing up for others for adaptive versus maladaptive reasons? Ex. I give my time to others after considering my own needs (adaptive) versus I feel obligated to be there for people whenever they need it and without considering my own needs and self-care (maladaptive).
What is one small change you can make today?

FOR MORE ON THIS TOPIC, CHECK OUT THESE OTHER RESOURCES:

Consider the way you are investing in relationships and the impact that may have
Take a deeper dive into understanding what shame is, how it is developed and the impact it has on our interpersonal relationships
Inventory your expenses related to your 3 resources — time, money and energy — and determine how shame may be guiding them and leading you to spend where you would rather not.

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People Pleasing: Why we do it and why you need to stop RIGHT NOW.