Are you holding on to expired relationships?

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Sometimes, we hold on to people and relationships because they’re comfortable.

Because they’re familiar. They’re predictable. But perhaps, the love or connection has faded — or was never really there.

Ex. The friendship that has drifted apart long agp but you keep saying ‘we should get together’ or the loveless marriage that you stay in because ‘divorce would be too hard on the kids’.

In order to move forward and not get stuck in these unhelpful and often stagnating relationships, we must be able to grieve the endings and gain clarity on the difference between superficial connection and that of depth and truth. Only then can we free up the background processing energy to invest more deeply in the love and connection that is true and real.

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Connection Over Perfection

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I used to get so overwhelmed about the idea of giving a presentation, showing a piece of work, or posting anything on social media. I worried about getting something wrong, not being seen as professional enough, or letting people down in some way by not having it “all figured out”. I would sit on sketches, prompts, talk topics, etc, and never share them, telling myself that they were not ready or good enough yet — a word so deeply coated in fear.

I thought I had to be everything before I could do or be anything.

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You are the only one who gets to decide what love means to you.

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For so many of us, the idea of "love" has become so complicated. False or unrealistic expectations perpetuated by movies, the stories we internalize from those around us about what is and is not acceptable in relationships and the confusion with compassion, infatuation, strong like, endearment and in many cases, shame, and true love — No, not “true love” but love truly.

When we think about the idea of "love" - loving someone, loving something, loving ourselves - it is our right to define what that looks like for ourselves. We get to consider our own thoughts, wants, needs, beliefs, and goals. That is the only way to truly feel it. Otherwise, it is just a performance made to have everything look a certain way rather than be for you.

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Disappointment is a misalignment of priorities, agendas or values.

in

We are always worried about the idea of disappointing people. We worry about letting people down or leaving them thinking less of us. What does that mean about us -- our value, our success, our place in the world?

Disappointment is a primary fuel source of shame -- the belief we have to be something more, better, less, or smaller in order to meet the standards of the world around us. And when we let the fear of disappointing others guide the choices we do (or don’t) make and the way we show up in the world, we lose ourselves. We lose ourselves to the performance version of us, trying to please everyone and offend no one.

But the idea of disappointing someone is nothing to fear or to shy away from. First, because it is an experience that cannot be avoided so it becomes wasted energy trying to mitigate the risk of exposure to something you will inevitably experience. Second, because the experience of disappointment, regardless of which end you are on, does not mean anything is wrong with you or the other person. It simply means you are misaligned in some capacity.

What do I mean by this?


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Do You Have Healthy Boundaries?

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The short answer is probably not. Most people don't.

Shame, fear, self-doubt, limiting beliefs all get in the way of setting healthy boundaries and since these experiences are universal, we are all at risk for boundary disruption and erosion.

Plus, none of us have lived in a pandemic before which has been a major stressor and dismantling of our boundaries.

I say this because, as we develop insight into setting healthy boundaries we must be careful not to judge ourselves. I talk more about this in my workbook, I Love Me.

Judgment asks for a punishment, and that only perpetuates our shame.

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