Disappointment is a misalignment of priorities, agendas or values.

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We are always worried about the idea of disappointing people. We worry about letting people down or leaving them thinking less of us. What does that mean about us -- our value, our success, our place in the world? 

Disappointment is a primary fuel source of shame -- the belief we have to be something more, better, less, or smaller in order to meet the standards of the world around us. And when we let the fear of disappointing others guide the choices we do (or don’t) make and the way we show up in the world, we lose ourselves. We lose ourselves to the performance version of us, trying to please everyone and offend no one. 

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But the idea of disappointing someone is nothing to fear or to shy away from. First, because it’s an experience that cannot be avoided, so it becomes wasted energy trying to mitigate the risk of exposing yourself to an inevitable experience. Second, because the experience of disappointment, regardless of which end you are on, does not mean anything is wrong with you or the other person. It simply means you are misaligned in some capacity. 

What do I mean by this?

To be disappointed in someone, they or you had to have done (or not done) something that goes against what the other person had expected or hoped. These expectations and hopes are rooted in the individual’s wants, values, agenda, and priorities and may not be shared with the other party.

  • Perhaps you were disappointed on your birthday when your partner didn’t throw you a surprise party like you had been hoping for. 

  • Perhaps your parents or caregivers were disappointed in you because you lied to them, stayed out past curfew, or decided to go into a career they did not approve of. 

  • Perhaps your friend is disappointed in you because you didn’t come out to dinner now that the world is “opening up”. 

None of these experiences mean the “disappointee” -- yes, I made that word up -- is a bad person or did something objectively wrong. It does not mean that they do not love you or care about you or that you are not capable. It means they acted in a way that did not align with the other party’s wants, priorities, or values. You wanted the surprise party. Your partner didn’t think to do it, or to see it as a priority or want for you. You have every right to be sad. And, that does not mean your partner loves you any less, does not care about you, or did not put thought into your birthday. It means what you wanted and what they did took 2 different directions. 

So let’s turn this back to ourselves and the ways in which we have, will, or could disappoint someone and reframe the way we are engaging with that feeling. When someone does not get what they had hoped, wanted, or believed, they are entitled to their own response. And in many cases, that response may be disappointment. 

  • They might be disappointed you said no to plans they were really excited about. 

  • They might be disappointed you are unable to get a project done in the timeline they hoped.

  • They might be disappointed you are ending your marriage of ‘X’ years when you have kids at home “that you should really think about”. 

  • They could be disappointed you are taking a different, harder, career path than they wanted for you.

  • They might be disappointed about who you voted for, the way you identify (for example, your sexual orientation), or the beliefs you hold.


On the other side of things, there is understandably a letdown. People get to be sad, mad, hurt, frustrated — disappointed. That is okay. AND that is NOT yours to own. Their feelings do not get to supersede you making the choices that are right for you, or being the person you are. Their feelings do not get to overshadow your own. Their feelings do not get to define you as a person. They are having a reaction to an experience, behavior, circumstance, or situation. It’s not about you as a person. We are worth far more than one or even a series of actions, and you are not a disappointment. You are not unworthy because you did something to upset someone. And if you have people in your life that see it that way, then let’s begin to think about exit strategies and assertive training work to help you break away from these toxic and power-sucking relationships. 

I am no stranger to the fear of disappointing people. I used to want, probably more than anything, to be liked by everyone. I never wanted to let anyone down — which used to cause its own issues including trying to be in multiple places at once because I didn’t want to say no to anyone.

But over time, I realized I had lost myself to this chase. I was trying so hard to avoid disappointing people — which was inevitably never going to work — that I stopped even considering what I wanted or needed. 

These past few years, I have worked really hard to get clear on who I am as a person and what I believe in. What do I want to bring into this world and who do I want to be while I am here? Can I trust that my intention is to be a good person? Can I let go of the need to appease everyone and trust that I am worth more than a collection of disappointments? Can I see that people get to be upset without it meaning something about me?

And most importantly, can I learn to tolerate the distress both I and the other person feel when disappointment enters the room?

My mom was disappointed we made a decision not to baptize Everly. A former employer was disappointed when I left that job to pursue my own business. Clients, friends, colleagues were upset when we moved across the country. Our family was upset when we did not travel across the country during a pandemic for get-togethers. A client of mine was recently upset when I told them I was not able to make their new schedule work with mine and we had to talk about terminating our work together. 

All of these situations were hard. In fact, they sucked. 

It is not easy having people push back against what you believe or see their own agenda as superior to yours.

It is not easy to let go of the pressure we feel that we owe everyone an explanation for the choices we make — which, news flash, you don’t. 

It is not easy to be okay with people being upset with you, especially when they are upset with the story they have created in their head (or, merely, their shame has created in their head) that may not have anything to do with what you said or did. 

But, the more I separate myself from these situations, the easier it gets to make space for myself and the choices I do and don’t make, as well as the responses of others. I completely understand, in every example, why the other party(its) were disappointed. In many cases, I would have been too. And when I can see it from a more distanced perspective, I am able to create space for others to be upset and to respect that experience while having space for my own as well. 

Remember, they get to feel that way. And, that does not have to be anything I take on to fix or change. I have a joke with one of my clients where we say, “don’t pick up that ball”. This is not a game I want to play and it is okay to see the ball, feel tempted by the ball, and walk away from it all the same. 

Now it is your turn. 

  • How has it served you to prioritize other’s approval or happiness over your own? 

  • Where might disappointment be inevitable, especially when it comes to living a life rooted in meaning and intention? 

  • What do you need to feel supported — by yourself or others — to help you let go of that fear and stop picking up that ball? 

  • Who might you be if you walked away?

Ready to take the next step?