Are you an ASKER or a GUESSER: The crucial difference in how we make and respond to requests

in

We often assume that everyone thinks the same way we do. Unfortunately (and fortunately), that is not the case.

Shocker, right?

But it is not uncommon for our brain to project our own experiences, thoughts, and systems of operations onto others.

In many cases, we feel reactive when we find out they have a different viewpoint, value system, or internal narrative.

There are many instances in which this is incredibly powerful.

Gaining new perspectives or brainstorming creative problem-solving strategies, learning new ways to do something or engage in the world, connecting to people on a different level and expanding our view from the stories we have come to internalize to those around us as well.

But there are times in which this can cause rupture and tension — especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships and making asks of each other.

Examples may include when to get married, what needs to be done around the house, how to approach a particular conversation, what it looks like to be considerate or "be there" for someone, or even how to send an email.

Our brain can trap us into assuming there is a "right way" or unilateral response and can lead to feelings of resentment and conflict when people operate differently.

Read More

The secret diet companies don't want you to know.

in

Whenever the weather changes, we suddenly get inundated with new messages on how to "fix", "prepare" or "change" our body to fit some ideal shape or to combat some event or time.

After you have a baby, coming back to the office after working from home during the pandemic, holiday get togethers, season changes, aging...we have all been hit with it at some point in time or another.

One of the worst times is summer.

We have all felt it — the dread to put on a swimsuit.

The hope that no one asks us to go to a pool party or head to the lake because we fear having to see ourselves (let alone have others see us) in our swimsuit.

"It can't be that time of year again, is it?"

And we start feeling this pressure to do what we can to "get in shape" to wear a swimsuit. But all of that messaging is brought to you by the diet, fitness, and clothing industry. They want you to buy the newest supplement. They get rich on your negative self-talk and count on your shame taking over as soon as the sun hits your face.

Sure, their marketing plan works. Why?

Read More

Happiness is not the goal for a meaningful life

in

We are constantly chasing a destination of happiness or joy — thinking that we can summit the mountain and relocate permanently.

Unfortunately, happiness is not an ever-lasting mountain top we can rest upon. It is an emotion and emotions are transient.

Emotions — all emotions — are meant to be felt and experienced in waves.

They are not meant to be a part of our experience and life permanently. That means that when you feel happy, excited, or joyful that, yes, there is an endpoint. And, the good news is that emotions like sadness, anxiety, anger, and despair will also pass.

Rather than see that change and evolution as good or bad, focus on seeing the depth of the human experience that is felt by feeling these different emotions.

See them all as neutral and inevitable.

In fact, I had a professor describe emotions as a gift because each one is a connection to the human experience and brings us closer to the people, places, and experiences in our lives.

Read More

Striving for Certainty Only Breeds Stagnancy — Stop Letting Fear Drive the Bus

in

As humans, our brains are hard-wired to avoid discomfort.

The fear part of our brain is the dominant driver in that goal. It acts to keep us safe by eliminating possibility and uncertainty as it equates them with threats to our safety.

When faced with ambiguity, our brain works quickly to assess the likelihood of a negative outcome. And fear, being the conservative that it is, never plays a game of risk.

If there is any possibility of a negative result, we feel an immediate pressure to withdraw or hide.

"Go back - it's not worth it," our fear calls to us.

Read More

You’re setting the wrong expectations and setting yourself up to fail.

in

Whenever I start working with a new client, I have the same conversation: how do we reframe your goals and expectations to support meaningful and sustainable change and growth. We cannot feel better right away - that is unrealistic and often unhelpful.

We often don't seek help until we are in a deep space of despair and anguish. We feel overwhelmed with pain and distress and long for a "fix" or solution to make everything better or resolved. We need to get back to riding ourselves into the ground so make this pain go away as quickly as possible - and with the least amount of time and effort. I often refer to this as the hunt for a "band-aid solution."

By doing this, we are setting avoidant goals, meaning, "I just want to be anywhere but here, so give me whatever you've got."

We believe we should be able to fix "it" — whatever "it" is — and that we just have to work harder to choose happiness (see my blog post on toxic positivity and why this is the least helpful solution in these moments).

We set impossible standards and then get upset when things don't happen as quickly as we think they should.

Read More