Getting away from the drive to complain and focusing on the "bad"

We all know there is a difference between venting and complaining. Yes, there are definitely times we need to get things off of our chest, lightening our emotional and mental load. But there is a fine line when we are no longer venting and ease into the lane of complaining and stagnation.

Not only does it mean you feel a greater sense of emotional distress with the situation, but you are also literally rewiring your brain to stay in what I call the “lane of negativity. Have you ever heard the phrase, “neurons that fire together, wire together”? Essentially, it means the more we complain, the more our brain conditions itself to see the negative in this and future situations.

To shift away from this destructive and limited thinking, we have to start by assessing for the external forces/reinforcers that have created this brain pattern…

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You can do anything short term. But are you in it for the long haul?

Shortly after my c-section and the arrival of our beautiful daughter, Everly, I found myself in a place of extreme frustration. C-section recovery is not easy and unfortunately takes a long time and a lot of work to “get back to normal”. I was frustrated that I could not get out of bed without rolling to my side or that I couldn’t even carry the laundry downstairs. I felt helpless (and I am sure the sleep deprivation didn’t help).

Fast forward to months out from surgery and I was still finding myself “playing the long game”. I was cleared to work out but with a LOT of restrictions. I couldn’t go from laying to sitting to standing without having to brace something with my arm. I couldn’t lift anything heavier than my daughter which meant I was in a position of needing to ask for help a lot.

Combine that with Everly’s various developmental leaps, nights where she slept 20-30 minutes at a time and her teething (yep, she is getting a tooth 2 months in), I often found myself feeling a bit helpless.

In a place of self-pity — yes, I have those moments same as you and sometimes, they are entirely necessary and helpful — I started crying to Jordan and just talked about how this feels so silly that everything feels so hard. And his response really hit me (in a good way).

He told me that anyone can play the short game even if they are just flailing their way through it. Anyone can do the short sprints and work. But the long game requires significantly greater mental strength and capacity and a commitment to taking small, calculated steps in the direction you want to go while weathering the storm.

Unfortunately, that meant grieving I couldn’t work out the way I might like to and that I still had to roll to my side to get out of bed. It meant I had to accept that many nights are filled with sleeplessness and I had to rely more heavily on the support of ibuprofen than I might like as headaches seem to be inevitable without proper sleep.

AND, if I looked back at the first few months after my c-section, I had, in fact, made significant progress and continued to do hard things every day. These forward movements had been lost in my grief, self-judgment, shame and frustration. My life completely changed on February 26th, 2020 — yes, in may ways for the better but let’s be real, it is not all rainbows and unicorns being a new parent or recovering from major surgery.

Even now, over a year and a half in, and fatiguing on the realities of a pandemic life, there is a long way to go. My body will always be different and in some ways, is still recovering as scar tissue breaks up or nerve endings become sensitive again. As much as I would like to, I cannot rush the process of healing — in any account. In fact, the more I try to force or rush it, the longer it will take as this will only set me back further into my shame and spending time, money and energy on things that I have no control over or do not serve me.

Okay, so how does this relate to you?

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Stop underestimating your ability to cope with your own distress.

I see it all of the time. As humans, it seems to be in our nature to undervalue ourselves and underestimate our ability to handle difficult situations. From dismissing our past achievements and endeavors, minimizing the strengths and abilities we hold within us, and giving our shame-free reign over our lives, we set the stage to be crippled by our distress.

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Don't Ignore The Toddler: The Ways Your Anxiety Will Demand To Be Heard

We’ve all been through it — directly or not: the toddler demanding attention, calling out for a response when you just need a minute.

“Mom. Mom. Moooooom. M-M-M-Mom. MOM!”

They just want your attention and even though you are just finishing one quick text or getting the food in the oven and will be right with them, that is not fast enough. They have waited…or at least to them it feels like they have waited…and now they want your attention NOW.

This metaphor is a perfect example of your anxiety. All of us have it — the severity may vary but it is there.

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