A different way to think about Thanksgiving?

The discussion of holidays — Do we celebrate them? How should we celebrate them? what do they mean to us? — has been a topic Jordan and I have been discussing more and more as Everly is getting older.

Thanksgiving has been a major one for us to consider. How do you talk to a 2.5 year old about the atrocities associated with this holiday? Can you talk about murder with kids that young? Am I uncomfortable because I am privileged? Should we even be celebrating it if it takes this much energy to think about?

It came down to…

In our book club, we are reading “All About Love” by Bell Hooks. Whew! Seriously, if you have not read it yet, you need to.

One of the things I am sitting with is the idea that we have created too broad a definition for love in the world.

At first, I wasn’t sure what I thought about this. What do you mean “too broad”? Everyone loves different and shows and receives it in different ways. It’s not reasonable love should look the same to everyone.

The longer I sat, the more I realized I was anchoring my thoughts in the wrong spot. Acts of love are not synonymous with love. Actions are not the same as intention.

We have all found ourselves in relationships where we tirelessly try to tally up who has done more or committed the greater number of wrongs.

Perhaps it's our shame making us feel like we are not showing up enough in the relationship:

• Am I taking up too much space?

• Have I offered to pay for lunch enough?

• They do so much for me; I should be able to do "X".

Perhaps it's because shame is trying to make you feel a sense of power and control by cutting down others:

• "How often am I doing for them with nothing in return?" or "You would think given all I do for them, they could just do 'X'."

• I may have done "X," but do you know what they did to me?

Either way, trying to keep score in any relationship reduces it to something transactional and conditional.