Love. How have we come to understand it and where are we falling short?

In our book club, we are reading “All About Love” by Bell Hooks. Whew! Seriously, if you have not read it yet, you need to.

One of the things I am sitting with is the idea that we have created too broad a definition for love in the world.

At first, I wasn’t sure what I thought about this. What do you mean “too broad”? Everyone loves different and shows and receives it in different ways. It’s not reasonable love should look the same to everyone.

The longer I sat, the more I realized I was anchoring my thoughts in the wrong spot. Acts of love are not synonymous with love. Actions are not the same as intention.

The basic tenets of love are specific, clearly defined and need to be conclusive and specific. Because without this, it becomes too easy for each of us to broaden our definition of what can exist and still be labeled as love.

See, many of us have had experiences — as children and adults — wherein we have been taught that love can include infidelity, dishonesty, abuse, ambivalence, and more. We have confused love with power, greed, and codependence. We have mistaken narcissistic abuse and dominance as love. We have allowed ourselves to accept an idea of love rather than truly feel love.

It leads us to stay in relationships — with family, romantic partners, friends — well beyond their expiration date and keep ourselves hooked to this false sense of responsibility to be there for someone, help take care of them, or see beyond “X”.

To love is to take a commitment to show up everyday at your fullest to give someone your full self. It is not done with expectation or with demand nor is it a response for guilt, shame or to make up for “X”.

Take some time and think about what has been taught to you (directly and indirectly) in terms of what love is and how it shows up in your life. Consider what you will and will not accept versus what has been expected that you will. Ask yourself if there is a way you can have more defined levels of accountability and boundaries while still making space for growth and flexibility in and with yourself and others.

What happens when we get clear on what love is and is not? What happens when we look more deeply at the idea at play and consider what it would mean to call out a person or relationship that is not centered on love?