We all need to stop contributing to the culture of conformity.
One of the most challenging tasks we are charged with in life is understanding and withstanding the current of conformity.
What clothes should you wear?
What should you believe?
What music should you like?
Who should your friends be?
What should you do with your life?
Life becomes much easier if everyone around you miraculously has the same thoughts, ideas, and beliefs (or acts accordingly).
And in our quest to belong, conformity often coincides with surrounding ourselves with increasingly narrower groups of people, spending more and more time with those most similar to us and with shared interests, ideologies and values.
I mean, yeah, it's nice when I have friends I go on a road trip with who all like the same music or the people I am around enjoy the same activities as me, but what does it say if I only surround myself with people with the same political views or beliefs as me? Or worse off, where do I (or the other party) end of a false sense of “sameness” for fear of conflict or discomfort if we do not agree.
What would it mean if one of my best friends had dramatically different political views? What does it mean if I have friends with dramatically different faith and belief systems or who raise their children in a different way than Jordan and I do?
Is that inherently a bad thing? No, and yet, does it also suggest I surround myself with only the people who share the same political views as myself? Or who have the same beliefs? Or, on the flip side, if I don't do those things, should I conform to opposing or different views of others or expect that from them to maintain a false sense of harmony?
I've seen this too often.
People will say one thing when it is just the two of you, and then when others are around, their sentiment, view, or belief suddenly changes or is silenced. They lose their voice to the pressure of conformity or allow someone else to speak for them.
But at what cost?
It is the coming together of various ideas and opinions where we can learn more about the world, expanding our global view and acceptance. Without the willingness to have counter ideas and opinions, nothing will change. We will continue to perpetuate the polarization of our people and maintain the ladder system Sonya Renee Taylor talks about in her book, "The Body is Not an Apology."
If I see one more post on social media saying, "...And if you don't agree with me, please unfriend me", I think I may scream. Ugh...What it really means is, "I don't want to engage in any dialogue with anyone with opposing views." And sure, it is fucked up how much trolling happens on social media, but should that be a reason to preemptively close the door on anyone with a different view?
No. It's not all or nothing. Yes, we have the right to demand respect for our beliefs but remember that not everyone with a different view will attack yours. Beliefs are developed through experience and investigation. Opposition is then created when there are different understandings or views to the same problem. What purpose does it serve to close the door to the opposition, only talking to those with the same view? Remember, nothing changes if we don't build and cross bridges.
I mean, I hated some of our more recent political leaders — and many still in power today. The things they say and do sicken me. But I can't begin to understand someone else's experience and beliefs because they are different from mine. I have met some fantastic humans whom I have, later, come to find out voted for Donald Trump (one of the aforementioned political leaders I hated). And when I find out, I can feel that pull to want to write them off almost immediately. I hate that. My brain can categorize a person so quickly and decide to write them off. But I have to remind myself I can't read one line of a book and decide it sucks. AND someone's views do not correlate with poor values. They are different. Their story is different. And I must be willing to see them fully as I would want them to see me.
This is an extreme example, and this post is not meant to be about politics. Let's scale it down and look at a more "everyday" example. When I first started dating Jordan, I found myself hiding all of my ideas and beliefs. He had no idea this was happening, but I thought I could lose him if I was too "out there" or different. Would he like me if I was a 23-year-old (at the time) who loved Harry Potter as much as I do? Would he love me if my interests and beliefs were different from his? And believe me, they were. This was exacerbated when we moved in together, and for a while, I was okay with hiding and pretending. But over time, the tension and resentment grew. And what's worse, he had no idea what was happening or going on. I became a shell of who I had been, and my confidence was constantly wavering. I hated it. I wouldn't even assert my interest in movie choices or when making plans.
I finally gave in and told him I couldn't do this anymore.
And to my great surprise, he was glad. He talked about how domineering he felt and that my voice matters too (trust me, I am aware of how lucky I am that I got that response). He talked about how there was stagnancy in our relationship because everything had become almost too comfortable. Too predictable. Too normed. This was so weird to me.
He wanted to hear my voice even if it was different and not only to hear it but to listen to it and make changes to help me feel more included in the life that we are leading.
The more I started doing this with him, the more I realized how much I had silenced myself around so many others for the sake of conformity and false connection. I was still being myself to some extent. But more like the basic model -- most of my beliefs, experiences, and interests hidden or dismissed. But over time, and through a series of micro-steps and experiments, I got increasingly more courageous about sharing my whole self.
To be clear, the process of sharing my whole self was HARD. And had a lot of drawbacks and contentious periods for me and for Jordan. Because, remember, our brains like predictability -- it helps to reduce ambiguity. And this was no longer a predictable way of engaging. There were many disagreements and times I wanted to just "go with the flow," but I couldn't. It felt jarring to both of us because it was such a stark change. BUT it got better.
By being willing to ride out the storm, we established a new norm that truly brought both voices to the table. And in doing that, it helped me create more confidence bringing my whole self to other relationships as well.
If I am being frank, there are definitely parts of me that I still find myself hiding. I am not even sure why. Objectively, they seem so small, but my brain has coded them as things to protect or hide from the world. I am still learning about these pieces of myself and challenging myself to share them as I become aware and/or am able. And in doing so, I am reminding myself of my right and responsibility to speak and stay true to my beliefs while creating space and inviting others to share more of themselves as well. This is the place for growth. Now, it is your turn.
How have you found yourself enticed by the conveyor belt or conformity, silencing yourself and/or others? What did it do for you -- good, bad, or neutral? How did it impact your life?
Where and with whom do you notice you are the most agreeable or quiet? Where does this come from? What fears do you have about sharing your own beliefs and experiences?
What's one small habit of conformity you can break in the next two weeks? For example, give an opinion on what you want to eat when someone asks; say more than "I'm fine"; or pick the music the next time you are in the car. Write it down. Be as specific and detailed as possible.
Now, fill in the blank:
"In the next two weeks, I will ..."
As you write this out, consider what might get in the way of you getting through this (both internally and externally). What can you do now to eliminate these barriers or prepare for how to respond effectively?
POST ACTIVITY REFLECTION.
What was that like? What was your anxiety level, on a scale of 1-10, going into it (1 is the lowest)? What about now? How can you build on this effort? As you continue to do this, try to pick tasks that elicit no more than a 4 or 5/10 on the anxiety scale. This will help ensure your brain does not get too activated and shut down. And over time, you will see the anxiety in each of these shifts lessen as your brain gets conditioned to see how safe these interactions can be and/or how you can survive and thrive in them. This will also help reduce anxiety for tasks that may currently feel like a 6 or higher on that same scale.
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