If you are still trying to figure out the score — you already lost. 

in

We have all found ourselves in relationships where we tirelessly try to tally up who has done more or committed the greater number of wrongs. 

Perhaps it's our shame making us feel like we are not showing up enough in the relationship:

  • Am I taking up too much space?

  • Have I offered to pay for lunch enough?

  • They do so much for me; I should be able to do "X".

Perhaps it's because shame is trying to make you feel a sense of power and control by cutting down others:

  • "How often am I doing for them with nothing in return?" or "You would think given all I do for them, they could just do 'X'."

  • I may have done "X," but do you know what they did to me?

Either way, trying to keep score in any relationship reduces it to something transactional and conditional. This is the basis for a shame-driven relationship focused on output and content rather than trusting in context, vulnerability and connection. It keeps you stuck on a ladder system founded on up- and down-comparison and is the antithesis of genuine connection. 

Genuine connection is a result of letting go of the ego and, as such, shame.

It is about taking responsibility for what is yours, anchoring on your values rather than external expectations and maintaining a stance of assertiveness to allow you and the other party to feel seen, safe and heard. 

Instead of worrying about if you have overstepped or if someone is upset with you, ask them directly. Ask them how you could show up more for them or if there is anything they need. Ask them if they feel they are getting enough space. They may feel like they get what they need. 

On the flip side, instead of finding all the ways that they aren't doing enough, can you reconnect to your "why" for doing kind things or showing up for others in the first place? Does the score have to be equal or can you do something kind because it's important to you and its validity or appreciation is not dependent on how someone else responds? 

And how can we differentiate between being flexible and letting go of unreasonable and rigid standards for the self and others without allowing others to walk all over you or take advantage of your kindness?

It is not our job to care for others at our own expense. It is not our job to make ourselves smaller to create space for others. Nor is it our role to set expectations for everyone else based on how you want them to show up. It is our job to know what we stand for and how we want to show up in the world and then commit to the iterative process of skill building and reflection. 

At the end of the day, no one ends up in a net zero relationship.

Someone will always give a little more and someone will always take a little more. That is how relationships go. Your job is to ensure you are not getting lost in those power dynamics your shame tries to introduce that keep you hooked to relationships on either end. Be a good person because it is important to you. Make sure you have relationships that return it to you so you aren't burning out so that when you give, you can give without expectation or transaction and accept kindness without drafting a metaphorical IOU.