REAL TALK: You WILL let people down.

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You will let people down.

Radical acceptance is about controlling what you can control and letting go of the rest. Now, as I say this, you are probably thinking, "well, sure, but I can control whether or not I let people down. That's a ‘me’ problem because what I do is causing them pain, right?" WRONG.

Sure, there are circumstances that we can reflect back and see that we have been a jerk. We've done something hurtful or harmful to others — either personally or collectively (such as making a racist or oppressive comment).

Those points are our responsibility.

But what I am focusing on here is not that.

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Fear. The only way through it, is through it.

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When our belief system is rooted in the fear that we are always a step away from losing connection — one of the things we need most of all to survive and thrive in this world — of course, we will find ourselves existing in a state of defense.

How many thoughts have our fear brains turned into certainties?

How often have they taken something uncomfortable and turned it into something detrimental? And how has that affected the way we show up in our daily lives?

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It's time to go "off book".

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One of the best ways to decondition our brains from a place of anxiety and perfection is to increase our ability to go “off-book” and be spontaneous.

How can we live in a world where we use schedules and systems to optimize our lives while also making time to play, explore, and make space to actually connect with and respond to what our body is asking for?

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Happiness is not the goal for a meaningful life

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We are constantly chasing a destination of happiness or joy — thinking that we can summit the mountain and relocate permanently.

Unfortunately, happiness is not an ever-lasting mountain top we can rest upon. It is an emotion and emotions are transient.

Emotions — all emotions — are meant to be felt and experienced in waves.

They are not meant to be a part of our experience and life permanently. That means that when you feel happy, excited, or joyful that, yes, there is an endpoint. And, the good news is that emotions like sadness, anxiety, anger, and despair will also pass.

Rather than see that change and evolution as good or bad, focus on seeing the depth of the human experience that is felt by feeling these different emotions.

See them all as neutral and inevitable.

In fact, I had a professor describe emotions as a gift because each one is a connection to the human experience and brings us closer to the people, places, and experiences in our lives.

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When has "getting over it" ever actually worked? Do this instead.

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We are constantly forcing ourselves to "get over it."

We fear conflict and challenging conversations to the point we bury our feelings inside until we either explode or become so detached and resentful we no longer engage meaningfully in our relationships.

Why do we do it? The short answer, it's easier...in the moment, anyway.

  • Why would you talk to your partner about how dismissed and hurt you feel when you can just pretend it's fine and "get over it"?

  • Why would you tell your friend they hurt your feelings the last time you were together and it is still sitting with you? It's so much better to exert the endless energy to shove it deep down below, isn't it?

  • Why would you tell your boss you're feeling unappreciated and underpaid when you can just keep making shit money doing 10X your job description? At least you have a job.

We constantly sacrifice our wants and needs to ease tension.

We equate conflict with unhealthy relationships or with being "dramatic" or selfish. We have developed a deeply entrenched system of beliefs that tell us our job is to cause as few waves as possible and to just keep "taking it" and holding a smile on our faces.

  • You don't want to be seen as dramatic, do you?

  • Wouldn't you rather have shitty relationships than none at all?

  • You should be grateful for what you do have, right?

This list of ridiculous beliefs is endless and, unfortunately, traps so many of us in a lifetime of repression and stagnancy.

Now, the trick is...

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