Relinquishing Urgency: Shifting from doing to being

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We have all felt it — that sense of urgency that makes us feel like we need to achieve success or complete something right now or that we are somehow behind schedule because we are “[INSERT AGE] years old and should have done/been/accomplished that by now”.

I have been feeling it a lot lately — especially with trying to balance my role as a mom and also living in the time of a pandemic. The feeling that I “should” be so excited and feel blessed to have as many opportunities as I do to be with my daughter while simultaneously being able to do and handle all of the things — cleaning my house, running my business, seeing patients…making new content, being creative…food prepping, working out, taking a shower (haha we have all had those days throughout quarantine — kids or not — where the idea of getting in the shower feels it has to be pushed aside to get something else done). This sh*t is hard. And yes, I truly love all of my roles AND I hate how often I feel at odds with the things I want and need to do and the fact that I am always faced with a list running in my head of what more I “should” and “could” be doing.

Where does that come from?

Who created that timeline and what is it that makes the pull to stay in line with that course so alluring? The answer? No one knows. It is a culmination of centuries of cultural norms and pressures getting deeply entrenched into our beliefs and ideals whereby we see “doing” as better. It is in the way we have mistaken extrovertism as “better” or put pressure on everyone around us to have to prove their worth by how they spend their time, what they have accomplished and the perpetuation of the busyness culture that overtakes us.

Why do we participate in it if we hate it so much?

Because our shame makes it hard not to. If, at our core, we need to feel connection and belonging, how can we expect ourselves to feel comfortable breaking away from a cycle that encompasses the world around us?

Because, the reality is, no one likes it. No one can thrive in it. And the world, including our own lives, would be better if we shifted the culture.

What can we do about it?

Honestly, the best answer is to simply pause. To slow down and make space in our days and to learn to tolerate our distress. And ultimately, to shift from the idea that what we do is more important than who we are or that the outcome is more important than the process.

But that sounds about as doable as someone telling you to “relax” when you are stressed and feeling like it is taking everything in you not to karate chop them in the throat.

So what can we really do about it?

Start by first getting to know your urgency and anxiety. Ask yourself:

  • Where does this feeling come from? Whose voice do I hear in my head?

  • How have these ideals been supported and reinforced? For example, you get celebrated at work or get a promotion for all you are doing or people tell you they “wish they could be more like you” which feels good.

  • What does it mean about me if I am not going all of the time — If I decide not to do something or I don’t finish my to-do list? What about if I fail at something or forget?

  • Is this feeling more internal or external — meaning, am I existing in a false narrative of my own perpetuation or do I have evidence to suggest the people around me will think less of me or leave me if I am not continually doing something?

Second, ask yourself if this narrative is one that both fits for you and that you want to continue to exist in. We have to consider the role the choice plays in this and what the cost/benefit analysis really is. This can be done in a variety of ways including assessing your resource (time, money and energy) spending and working on gaining clarity in and tethering yourself to your values rather than these external ideals.

Once you start to make the shifts in your thinking and can start to anchor on something with greater depth and meaning, you can begin to shift the behaviors themselves. Schedule less. Say no more often. Leave items on your to-do list. This part won’t be easy — and, one of the biggest keys is to learn to tolerate your short-term distress.