You Have Unreasonable Expectations

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YOU’RE BEING UNREASONABLE WITH YOURSELF.

Whenever I start working with a new client, I have the same conversation: how do we reframe your goals and expectations to support meaningful and sustainable change and growth. We cannot feel better right away - that is unrealistic and often unhelpful.

We often don't seek help until we are in a deep space of despair and anguish. We feel overwhelmed with pain and distress and long for a "fix" or solution to make everything better or resolved. We need to get back to riding ourselves into the ground so make this pain go away as quickly as possible - and with the least amount of time and effort. I often refer to this as the hunt for a "band-aid solution."

By doing this, we are setting avoidant goals, meaning, "I just want to be anywhere but here, so give me whatever you've got."

And it’s not getting us where we want to go. So, what can we do instead?

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Adopt your inner toddler: ASK WHY

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Toddlers are curious. They are constantly exploring the world around them with awe and wonder.

  • “Why is grass green?”

  • “What’s lightning?”

  • “Why do we have snot?”

  • “Why do we die?”

  • “Why do only some foods stain?”

  • “Why do I yell when I get mad?”

These are just some of the questions Everly has asked in the past week. Her quest — to make sense of the world around her. Her willingness to explore and uncover truths and possibilities is constant.

Unfortunately, curiosity is a trait that gets conditioned out of us.

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Beware of TOXIC POSITIVITY

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One of the cultural norms we saw exacerbated by the pandemic — and especially as we started to come out of it — is the overemphasis on and pressure to be positive.

You all remember those 2020 phrases:

"Oh, how wonderful you can be home and spend this time with your kids" or "It's so great how much more productive I can be now."

Don't get me wrong. We need to find joy and anchor on the positive aspects of our lives, especially during a crisis. But the pressure to be "fine" and have it together all of the time can lead to "toxic positivity."

WHAT IS "TOXIC POSITIVITY"?

It's the…

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Time does NOT heal all wounds

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"Time heals all wounds" is a common phrase that oversimplifies the complex process of healing. Emotions ebb and flow like ocean waves, and just as we can't rush the tides, we can't rush our feelings or the processing of them.

During a visit to the coast last week, I observed tide pools and realized that just as the tides move at their own pace, so do our emotional journeys. While time is a component of healing, it's not the sole factor. We need to actively engage with our emotions, processing and walking through pain to reach a place of healing. This requires a deliberate effort to understand our feelings, allowing them to surface and then dealing with them constructively.

Healing involves a delicate balance of insight, action, and time. Simply shelving our emotions and expecting them to resolve on their own is not enough. We need to break down our healing journey into manageable chunks—focusing on getting through a moment, a minute, or a day. This approach helps us handle the ebb and flow of emotions more effectively, acknowledging that healing is a gradual process. By actively working through our pain and giving ourselves the time to heal, we can move towards a more profound and lasting sense of well-being.

Stop qualifying what you say

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Qualifiers are words that are used to increase or decrease significance, quality or value of another word.

Examples can include, “just”, “I think”, “It’s just my opinion, but”, “I guess”, “possibly”, etc.

When it comes to our sense of selves and the way we communicate with others, we often use qualifiers to dismiss the worth or value of what we are saying. We reinforce our negative self-talk through words like "just," "it's only my opinion," or "I know I may not be the expert in the room, but...".

Take all of these words out of your vocabulary. If you have an opinion, share it.

Don't qualify who you are and why you should or shouldn't be listened to.

By making this change, you will allow yourself to believe that you don't have to constantly downplay your thoughts because you are unworthy or have to earn your place. Instead, you have value and a right to be heard.