I hate to admit it, but I have always struggled with the concept of altruism. Doing good for goodness sake and without the need for something in return — recognition, celebration, etc.? I mean, it sounds lovely. In the broader sense, it is about being content or confident enough in our sense of self that we no longer need or are pressured by others assessment of us — our character, our list of deeds — to feel worthy and whole. But this seemed a gift that was not to be bestowed on me. I mean, I enjoy doing nice things for others. But I always felt this desire to be celebrated for it, finding myself disappointed when things would go unnoticed. 

The problem is, then, the desire to be recognized created a sense of shame in me. Why do I care so much if people know? What is it that drives me to want people to know my values and goodness? And why do I assume it is only in my behaviors that this comes through? I reflected on this a lot, especially as a means of addressing the shame I felt about it and I boiled it down to two main issues:

• An insecure attachment: Meaning, as a child, I struggled with the confidence that people would be there for me consistently.

• The expansion of the social media empire

Intermittent Reinforcement

I grew up, like most kids, wanting to be seen and celebrated. You want to have value and you want people, especially adults, to be proud of you. Don’t get me wrong, I had it. It was just intermittent. 

Intermittent reinforcement means that the same behavior or action is not met with a consistent response. 

The same action might be met with a variety of different responses depending on the mood or state of the respondent. In the case of parents and caregivers, this can have incredibly detrimental effects as it conditions a hypervigilant response in the brain to try and anticipate if and when more negative outcomes could happen and also creates a sense of addiction to try and get that next “hit” of approval or acknowledgment.

By the time I was 18, I had moved nine times, each move requiring me to connect with and assimilate into a new group of peers, teachers, and other adults in my life. There was this constant need to prove my worth and each time, there was this seemingly real and pervasive possibility of not fitting in. I just wanted to be worthy and I struggled to believe that I would ever be enough if I didn’t DO enough. I became so anxious by this notion of transient worthiness that everything I did, I would practically scream, “Look how good I am.” And it worked. For a while anyway. Praise gave me a sense of value. And I think, in this, the concept of true altruism seemed a fallacy. I just couldn’t chance not being identified as the one who did something or took care of something; I had to consider how my actions would impact my ability to belong to and be a part of the group.

• How did you grow up understanding altruism? Did it seem real or feasible? What shame and judgment have you held about yourself for not being able to be genuinely selfless all of the time?

• How secure were and are you in your sense of worthiness and belonging in the world? What experiences, people or memories contribute to this?

• Can you think of a time when you did something good for someone else and you did not invite or care about the recognition or praise that accompanied it? How did that feel?

Let’s take it a little deeper. 

• When you hold the door open for someone and they don’t say thank you, what is your immediate reaction? For me, if I’m being honest, I am annoyed & sometimes even pissed: “I stopped and did this nice thing & you don’t even acknowledge it?” This is an example of my brain having a hard time with the altruistic notion of just doing something nice regardless of how the person responds. And the reason I think examples like this are so important is it shows you how automatic it is to feel slighted without recognition. As such, it isn’t something to judge yourself for. Just something to notice and begin to get more curious.

Social Media

In a world where we are already plagued by the constant fear of being unworthy or devoid of connection, social media has upped the ante. 

What we do, the number of likes and friends we have, our followers...all of this has become social capital that is exchanged for value, love and connection. It rewires our brain to think more about what we need to do to be of value, chasing some unrealistic idea of perfection and performance to be “enough”.

We have hardwired in our brains a conditioned response system. We check, refresh, check and then check again to see how many likes a post gets. How many comments we get or shares we have somehow defined whether or not what we share, do or say is of value. This has even affected the conferences I can submit proposals for — denying people an opportunity to share their voice because they do not have enough followers. I know, ridiculous. And yet, we all keep buying into it. 

Note: If you haven’t seen the Black Mirror episode, “Nosedive”, I highly suggest watching this to get a better idea of what is happening every day in our world (with a note on my note of caution as this show and the episodes are quite intense and can leave you feeling pretty unsettled — be mindful of the age and emotional state of viewers before watching). 

The roots? Anxiety, fear and shame lead to false attempts to connect and market ourselves as worthy: “Look what I can do for you” or “See how great I am.” It is an unintentional outcome of the growth of the social media world we live in. A world where kindness is too often motivated by self-promotion and celebration rather than the desire to do good without acknowledgment. 

• How do you feel social media has impacted your life — particularly how much of your life you share?

• Thinking about what you post, are you trying to cultivate a specific image of yourself (i.e. do you post the complete picture of your life)? Ex. Do you only post pictures of positive, happy and remarkable moments in your life? Do you post every photo you took trying to get to the perfect shot or just the one-shot, edited and posed? How do you think this feeds into the concepts posed above?

• What would it look like to do something really nice for someone and not get recognized for it? Ex. Buy coffee for the person behind you in the drive-through, make an anonymous donation, or go clean up your neighborhood?

• How might your experiences feel different (positive, negative and/or neutral) if you did this without recognition? Be honest with yourself both about what you might gain and what you fear you would lose.

• ACTION STEP: What is 1 thing you can do in the next week to add meaning, value or kindness to someone’s life, without telling anyone or being recognized for it?

COME BACK AFTER YOU COMPLETE YOUR GOAL: 

• What did it feel like? Did you feel yourself struggling with the urge to share with someone or were you able to walk away and know you did something positive in the world and that alone is enough?

• What is one small change you can make on social media to call out, disconnect from, or mitigate the perpetuation of perfection and performance?

FOR MORE ON THIS TOPIC, CHECK OUT THESE OTHER RESOURCES:

• Learn more about shame and the effects it can have on our brain

• Learn more about the role a gratitude practice can have in helping you create your best life

• Listen more about the process of letting go of shame

• Get clear on the difference between who you are and who you are pretending to be in order to fit in or belong in the world around you

• Get clear on your values and how to anchor your life on them

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