Addressing Negative Self-Talk

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We have all heard the phrase, “You wouldn’t talk to others the way you do yourself”, right?

And while all of us can shake our heads in agreement, knowing that is true, we continue to say such shitty things to ourselves. Why? Well, our brains are creatures of habit and over time, the more we do something, the more our brain tries to automate it. It just happens. We aren’t sitting there thinking of mean things to say…they just, sort of appear. And because we are used to it, it doesn’t seem mean or shitty, it just seems like your norm.

So what can we do? Like any habit, it takes both insight and action to start to break it and wire our brains to do something different.

How do I know if I have negative self talk?

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Fear — a universal experience no one wants to talk about.

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Fear is a primal response — meaning, we are pre-programmed to feel it. Its sole purpose is to keep us alive and safe. When our fear-brain assesses a perceived or potential threat, it kicks off this cascade response in our brains that shuts down all executive functioning and activates a fight, flight or freeze response to do what it deems necessary to survive the threat. Why does it turn off the higher functioning part of our brain? Because, while that part is wicked smart and capable of processing a lot of things, it works too slow to effectively protect us in times of danger.

This is super helpful when you think about our ancestors, right? I mean, during times of sabre-toothed tigers, the bubonic plague, or really anything that we could encounter playing the Oregon Trail…we needed fear to help us avoid or actively respond to deadly threats. We didn’t have time to think, we just needed to react.

But as we have progressed and the threats to our survival and safety have gone down, one would assume the fear response would have also decreased as the threats we face now are much less imminent and widespread. Worrying about an uncomfortable work meeting is not the same as seeing a bear running at me at full speed.

However, we have, instead, seen an increase in our fear response.

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How is that thought serving you?

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We have all gotten stuck on a thought — ruminating on a particular point until we feel stressed, anxious and overwhelmed.

“I should have said ‘X’.”

“Why didn’t I do ‘Y’'?“

“They probably think I am so stupid.”

Anxiety often thinks it’s being helpful when it keeps bringing things to your attention. “See, this is important” it says, keeping your line of sight right where it wants you to. The problem with that is that anxiety has a very narrow scope of focus. Like a toddler who spots the Lucky Charms and all they can do is think about needing the Lucky Charms, your anxious brain feels like all it can do is think about this thought.

But is it really helpful?

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Life is Not Always Supposed to Feel Comfortable

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We have become so conditioned to avoid discomfort. Between taking a pill, avoiding the stressor or situation (which social media has had a huge help in) and the endless supply of safety nets and snake oil solutions out on the streets, it is no wonder we feel like sitting in discomfort is painful and unnecessary. Why would I be uncomfortable if I can avoid it? Why would I feel pain if there are things to take it away? Why face that hard situation if I can just pretend it never happened?

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Lean In To Your Ambiguity

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As humans, our brains are hard wired to avoid discomfort. Fear acts to keep us safe by eliminating possibility and uncertainty, which, over time, it has equated to threats and safety hazards.

When we are faced with ambiguity and uncertainty, our brain works quickly to assess the likelihood of a negative outcome. And fear, being the conservative that it is, never plays a game of risk…(see more)

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