Stop asking if you make sense!
I do this all of the time! I will share information or be presenting on a talk and will pause and ask whomever I am speaking to, “Does that make sense?” Now, the sentiment is valid. I understand sometimes I am sharing complex information or maybe sharing a large volume of information in one sitting. Asking if I make sense is a courtesy, right? I care about the audience and want to make sure that they are understanding what I am saying. Wrong...well, mostly, anyway.
See, when we ask if this makes sense, we are doing 2 things:
Implying that what we are saying does not make sense which subconsciously introduces confusion and doubt into your audience while simultaneously disrupting your flow.
Puts the burden of responsibility entirely on you to keep checking in and to make sure that people are understanding what you are saying/mean.
The second point may seem confusing because in many ways it is your responsibility to share the information in a clear and accessible way. However, it is ultimately our audience’s responsibility, whether that be in a one on one setting or speaking to a large group, to let you know where those points of confusion are or to ask for clarification. Then, the baton of responsibility is passed back to you so you can respond.
The difference is subtle but it can be a major shift in our shame brain as well as in building a community of trust and vulnerability with the people you are interacting with.
What can you do instead?
Prime the person/people you are talking to that they can ask questions. Saying something like, “feel free to stop me throughout the presentation if you have questions” creates a sense of openness and permission-giving for people to interrupt you. In therapy, I often tell clients in our first session that part of my role is to share information and to teach them skills and tools and that they will have to help me learn how to best communicate with them throughout our sessions by letting me know when they are confused, overwhelmed, etc. And then I reiterate that throughout our time together.
After sharing information, ask “What questions do you have?” -- now, this could be an entirely different blog post - in fact, I think I will add it to my prompt list now - but it is important not to ask “Any questions?” or some iteration of this. Why? Because that is a yes or no question and can make asking for clarification or follow up feel less safe because it implies questions are not necessarily anticipated and can pressure the consumer. By asking what questions they have, you are normalizing the presence of questions and making space for people to share openly.
Don’t talk so much. Ugh, I have to read this one a lot myself. The old adage, “less is more” is one of the greatest universal truths when it comes to teaching or sharing information. I remember having an assignment my first semester of college to write a 1-page paper reflecting on a book and thought, “This may be the easiest assignment I have ever had”. Wrong. Being concise is incredibly hard...especially for me. It is easy to fill space and share a lot when we know what we are talking about. It becomes more difficult to boil it down to a few key sentences. When you are talking - whether it is in your personal or professional life, try and do an initial distilling of information down to what you are hoping to convey. Think about your goal in sharing this information. What is the outcome you are looking for and how can you share the information relevant to that outcome?
Use silence. More than you might like. I mean this in 2 ways — 1) take breaks as you are speaking to allow people to “catch up” to or digest what you are saying. This will give you an opportunity to survey the people/person you are talking to and get a read on how they are doing as well as opens space for questions as you go along. 2) Leave space at the end of what you are saying and especially after you ask for questions so that people have time to formulate their thoughts/asks.
When people ask questions, don’t use qualifiers in your response. Don’t assume blame for the confusion. Don’t write it off by saying something like, “I’m sorry I was confusing” or “I know I threw a lot at you”. Again, this is subtle and complex because you very well may have given out a lot of information or been confusing to that person but by labeling it as such in your response, you are subconsciously assuming a fault on your end and reinforcing you are the problem. It may have been on you but it may have been something entirely different. Perhaps they are exhausted or really hungry and got distracted in their thoughts about food. Maybe they have a lot of anxiety or are feeling overwhelmed in life right now and could not take in the information like they normally would. Instead, note the question or interaction and ask yourself what you have learned. Did I talk too much? Was I nervous? Did that person perhaps have a different learning style? Or perhaps they had a lot of other things on their mind?
These microshifts in the way we communicate are incredibly important as we continue to focus on creating sustainable 1% changes that can build up and become amplified over time. Remember, our shame runs deep and has had significant effects on everything we say, think, feel, and do. It may even tell you that this is silly or dumb and not to worry about this because asking if you make sense is just “kind” and “the right thing to do”.
To that, I want you to reply back to your shame that changing the way we communicate to give everyone equal responsibility and space in an interaction is the best thing to do for all parties involved. Oh, and tell your shame that I am the one with the expensive degree in communication and negative self-evaluation, not them!