With every “yes”, I am dedicating time, money, and/or energy in a specific direction (person, event, project, etc). As such, I don’t have the opportunity to use it elsewhere. If I say “yes” to plans with my friends I may be saying “no” to a networking event that sounds interesting. If I say “yes” to answering someone’s phone call, text, or email, I am agreeing to engage with them — giving them my time and energy — over something or someone else. If I say “yes” to that speaking event, I may be saying no to other opportunities or time to work on pitches for other events.

Now, this is not to say that sometimes the “yes” is not what we want. In some instances, it is and we find ourselves saying “yes” to the people, projects, or opportunities that we want to engage within our lives.

But let’s be honest, we all know the percentage of “yes’s” that fall into that category are much smaller than the number of things we end up saying “yes” to.

In fact, I would bet if I asked you to do a “yes” inventory right now of all of the things you have said “yes” to in the past month…hell, even just the past week or day, you would be shocked at how many things you are saying “yes” to that you weren’t even aware of.

The problem with this?

Not only does this lead to fatigue, overwhelm, and burnout but often causes us to become resentful, disconnected and can reinforce our shame narratives and limiting beliefs about ourselves. It perpetuates the belief that we owe our time or energy to others and that it is selfish to choose our needs or wants and it keeps us operating from a really unhelpful mindset…

The “scarcity” mindset.

Or the feeling as though there will be dire consequences to us for saying “no”.

“If I don’t take this client on then I may not get any other clients or be able to pay my bills.”

“If I say no to plans with ‘X’ then they will be upset with me and may not want to be my friend anymore.”

“If I say no to sex with my partner they might leave me.”

“If I don’t say yes to this opportunity there may not be another one.”

“If I don’t do ‘X’ then people will judge me.”

And it is in this introduction of doubt that the scarcity principle is activated. It isn’t that these outcomes are certain but rather the belief that 1) there is a high likelihood they could happen and 2) if they did happen, we would not be able to handle it and it would mean things did not or could not work out. More concretely, we will have failed or will be left with nothing.

And so, we say “yes”.

Where does this mindset come from?

Most often, this is rooted in our shame and fear narratives. As you know, we require connection and belonging in order to survive and thrive in life. But shame likes to introduce doubt in every possible scenario — “people don’t really like you”, “you are never going to be successful”, “we both know you're an imposter”…and the list goes on. And the fear that becomes associated with this gets wrapped up in two main arenas — fear of the unknown and fear of failure. Just the possibility that we might fail or that things might not work out creates that pressure to give our time, money, and energy to others more freely and without question or consideration of it is it what we want. “Shoulds”, “supposed tos” and false safety protocols become enacted, for our fear and shame are operating under the assumption we are not worthy, lovable, or successful and as such, should not dare to consider the possibility that we will be okay or things will work out if we choose ourselves.

What can we do about it?

We need to gain greater clarity on where that story of scarcity and fear was created and how it has been perpetuated and reinforced over time. From there, we can use reflection and skills implementation to begin to shift your brain’s thinking patterns and automatic responses to be more in line with what you want and who you are versus who your shame and fear have led you to be.

To go deeper on this and to explore some of the reflection questions and skills I have put together to support you with this shift, check out my blog post:

“Learning to Say ‘No’”.

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