Stop punishing yourself for what you didn't know then.

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This past year has been filled with corporate wellness work — which I love. I thrive being in spaces where conversations and topics are traditionally taboo, avoided, or glazed over and going all in. The growth for individuals and companies is incredible when space is given honestly and freely for this zone of exploration.

One thing I have been holding a lot of space for as I do this is the natural progression people seem to have in the early part of the "insight phase". The insight phase is the part of the process where you learn WHY you feel a certain way, how deep it's rooted, and begin to make sense of your pain through a more complete lens. 

On the road to peace, self-forgiveness and growth, it seems everyone makes a pit stop to self-loathing.

The insight gets misplaced in the past and brings about a rainstorm of "should have"s and "Why didn't I?"s. 

  • Why didn't I think about this sooner?

  • If only I had done/known "X," maybe things would have been different.

  • I should have seen this before now.

  • Why couldn't I have been strong enough to admit this to myself then?

  • Why didn't I listen?

This barrage of self-deprecation does nothing but leave us feeling even more lost and in pain.

It keeps us anchored to our past, ridding us of the opportunity to lean into the present and allowing this insight to support us in creating a new future. 

Sure, many things would have been easier had we known X, done Y, or made space for Z. Absolutely, many stories from our past could have been written differently if we had known these skills back then.

And none of that makes a difference. You were today years old when you learned or made space to honor whatever is in front of you. The only benefit to applying it to the chapters you have already lived through is to deepen your shame. And don't get me wrong, there is comfort there.

There is comfort in negative self-evaluation. Even if it's miserable, it's easier to exist in the past.

That's shame's MO, making you anchor yourself in an area of life you have no control over and, as such, handing over the power you have now. 

At the end of the day, insight is the only way to healing. 

It's necessary, painful, and freeing. As you continue to do your own work in the process of living your life on purpose, the choice is yours -- taint that insight with judgment and anchor yourself in what could have been or allow it to unlock the next phase of understanding and action.