One of the best tools we can have in our arsenal to fight against them is positive self-talk and the ability to celebrate ourselves for who we are and all that we do in this world.

But we all know that is easier said than done, right? I mean, sure, we want to build self-confidence and say nice things to ourselves, but it is WAY easier to go the route of negativity. In fact, your brain is wired for it. << be sure to click the link and read this!

Given that, it would be unreasonable to assert that you will read one email blurb and suddenly be a bubble of self-love with rainbow glitter spewing out all around. Remember, self-love is a practice that requires daily nurturance and self-care.

And, a practice starts by introducing small rituals, exercises and routines that build up over time in your commitment to loving yourself.

To do that, I want you to work through the following steps. When you notice resistance, good. Feel it. Own it. That means we are forcing your brain into a state of change and asking your shame to sit the F down.

Side note, that may mean you need to come back to this at a later time or get a little support to push yourself through. You know what is right for you. Own it.

Step 1. What do others see in you?

Ask 5 people in your life what they like, appreciate and/or admire about you. Ask them to write it down and to send you not only what those things are but WHY. Record them in a designated “safe space” that you can refer back to with ease anytime you need or want:

Person: __________ Statement: _________________________________________________
Person: __________ Statement: _________________________________________________
Person: __________ Statement: _________________________________________________
Person: __________ Statement: _________________________________________________
Person: __________ Statement: _________________________________________________

Step 2. Pause for reaction.

When you get their answers back, what do you find yourself thinking/feeling? Are you dismissing their words? Are you finding reasons what they said aren’t true or feel that sense of Imposter Syndrome — i.e. “If they only knew the real me, they wouldn’t say that”? Notice the resistance that shows up — and where. What do you notice in your body? What emotions present themselves? What thoughts circle around in your head as a result?

Now ask yourself, why. Why do you feel this way? Where do these strong reactions come from? How is this rooted to shame and what role are these reactions meant to play in your shame narrative?

And finally, could both be true? Might you believe yourself to be “X” while others experience you as “Y”? What changes if we allow the possibility both could be subjectively true?

Step 3. Diving deeper into the content.

Setting aside your distrust/disbelief for a moment, we need to reflect on the content itself.

Are there any themes you can see in what others say about you?
What made you select the people you chose? Is there a safety with them? A trust? Interesting how quickly our shame tried to dismiss any of that in step 2, huh?
Putting your shame outside for a moment, what does it feel like to hear/read these comments? How would your life be different if you allowed the possibility you were this person? Or that the things that matter to others may differ from the goals and pressures your shame has sold you on?

Now, let’s do a little more self-reflection.

Name 5 things you are proud of/have overcome in your life. What qualities within you have supported you in each task/situation?
Name 5 things that make you unique. What role or value do they play in your life?
What makes self-love more difficult than love for others? What would it look like to love yourself?

Once you have finished with this, watch the Ted Talk, “What You Practice Grows Stronger” by Shauna Shapiro — a video about becoming mindful and promoting self-love. Once you’ve finished, write down 3 lessons and ideas you can take away from it.

Step 4. Establishing a mantra.

You may not be ready to buy into the idea that your self-narrative is rooted in shame and subjective negative self-evaluation. I get it. It’s what you have known your whole life so asking yourself to suddenly believe you might be a good person or that people like you for who you are and now what you do — whew that is a lot.

Instead of asking yourself to let this all go in one fail swoop, let’s consider your next step — introducing doubt.

As you move forward, I want you to start to take inventory of how often you make negative self-evaluations. How often do you berate yourself for what you do or don’t do? How often do you dismiss positive feedback or bulldoze past something you did well to focus on what is left to do? Where and how have you confused your worth as being about what you do and not who you are?

Every time that you find yourself anchoring on negative self-evaluation, say the following,

“I may not see myself accurately.”

“Others may have a different view of the world.”

Our goal is to shift your thinking from assuming your self-view is objective reality to a subjective interpretation. Albeit it feels absolute to you, this is still a subjective experience.

Ready for more?

Once you have started to put this into practice and drawn more awareness of just how deep that negative self-evaluation runs in your daily life, it’s time to take the next step and commit to the deeper process of self-love. To do that, click the link below and get your hands own my workbook, “I Love Me” which is a 4-part workbook that integrates your past, present and future self centered on the idea of radical self-love and authenticity.

grab the workbook

Conformity and shame are silent, powerful killers.