What you need to know before you begin "the work".

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Whenever we do any self-reflection or growth work, it is important to know the WHAT, WHO, HOW and WHY before we dive in.

  • What do you want to do, be, have, contribute, etc?

  • Who do you want to be?

  • How do you want your life design to come together?

  • Why do you want it?

This helps us develop what’s referred to as an approach goal.

Approach goals are clear on the direction you want to move in, flexible yet focused and give you the context through which to develop your implementation strategy.

The critical piece of this work is in the WHY.

Why do you want "X"? Who is it for? Is it because you should do/want/be "X"? Or is it for you? Would your goals change if fear, shame, and negative self-talk were off the table? What if no one would ever know or if external validation and acceptance were guaranteed no matter how you showed up to your life?

These questions are meant to help you decipher whether or not your goals are motivated by external or internal factors, returning to the question, who is it for?

When we take the time to ask these questions, we can ensure that the WHAT, WHO and HOW have authentic buy-in and purpose. We can focus our intentions and efforts in a direction that suits us rather than getting lost in the trap of “avoidant goals”.

Avoidant goals are "anywhere but here" goals. They are less about intentional movement and development and more rooted in — this place, feeling, experience, relationship, etc is terrible, get me out of here in any way possible.

Avoidant goals are motivated by shame (i.e. you suck and have to do something immediately to make yourself and/or circumstances different) and burnout (I am so fried and ready to explode the only option is to get out as quickly as possible) and act as a means of keeping you anchored to and feeding back on your shame.

They prey on your constant erosion of your boundaries and self-care to try and be and do it all until you reach a point of burnout. And all they end up doing is shame-shifting you into a new bucket of distress and external validation-seeking.

So what can we do about it? As you think about your next steps, goals, dreams, pursuits, take the time and ask yourself:

Who/what do I want to be held accountable to/for? and WHY?

Don’t get lost in the shame-induced urgency that leaves you feeling like you have to do anything and instead get clear on the something.

Remind yourself that you can sit in your distress for longer than you think and that you have played the hot potato game with shame long enough, it’s time to go about this work in a different way.

To go deeper on this topic, check out the video I did on avoidant versus approach goals on my YouTube channel. Oh, and be sure to like and subscribe ;)