Stop Pretending To Be Someone Else
PRETENDING TO BE SOMEONE YOU AREN’T IS A MISERABLE EXISTENCE.
The fear of being seen is overwhelming.
We spend years hiding our true selves — making sure that no one can see our flaws — real or perceived. The idea of letting anyone in is frightening.
What will they think of me?
Will they judge me?
Will they leave?
Our shame leads us to believe the only outcome is pain, rejection, and loneliness. Why? Because it operates under the assumption that you are unworthy, unlovable, and undeserving unless…[FILL IN THE BLANK].
Unless you look a certain way. Unless you hold certain beliefs. Unless you act a certain way. Ultimately, unless you make up for your inadequacies by acting and doing in a way that prioritizes the needs and wants of others over your own, making everyone else the primary character in your story.
WE PERFORM TO CONFORM — THE CULT OF THE AVERAGE BEING THE DESTINATION. AND THE MORE I FEAR BEING SEEN, THE GREATER THAT PERFORMANCE BECOMES.
The long term effects of this behavior are detrimental. We lose our sense of selves, become lonely, resentful, and in a state of constant hypervigilance as the performance is made up of thousands of lies delicately weaved around this shell of a self and are constantly under threat of being unraveled.
And yet, we continue down this path because even though it is based on a lie, that sense of connection amidst the predictable sh*ttyness feels safer than hanging up the mask. The certainty in the unhappiness feels safer than the uncertainty of living as our true selves. We must maintain rather than grow, learn, evolve, and be seen.
HOW DO WE FIND THE STRENGTH TO BREAK THIS CYCLE?
By taking it 1% at a time. You’ve spent decades crafting and perfecting this performance — likely unclear at times what parts are really you and what parts you have come to believe are really you.
To build a sense of trust, strength, and self-efficacy, we need to go slow to shift out of the performance and into our own storyline. We scrape the layers off piece by piece, section by section. And while this will take a longer time, the success rate is much higher as this process allows you to continually build upon your sense of self-efficacy and push yourself to do hard things without overwhelming your nervous system with anxiety and fear.
SO, WHAT’S THE NEXT STEP?
Spend time in the insight phase. Get to know who you really are and what you stand for. Who is the “you” underneath the performance? Getting clear on the delineation between the true versus performance self is key as it will allow you to begin to reflect on how to bridge the gap between these two selves.
Take small action steps. Begin to perform micro experiments or small exposures where you allow your true self to be seen. Answer the question, “What do you want for dinner?” with what you really want. Give honest feedback at work. Start with the lowest rungs on the ladder or things that will cause you the least amount of distress. This allows you to build your confidence and self-efficacy to begin to move on to higher stakes exposures.
Untether yourself. Detach your self-assessment from the responses and reactions of others. One of my favorite concepts I find myself coming back to time and time again is, what you think of me is none of my business. How someone reacts to me is not more important than who I am and how I am showing up in the space. I have to feel solid in who I am and my intention in all I do. If, at the end of the day, I can honestly say I showed up to my day with good intention and kindness — for myself and others — the rest does not matter.
Sit in discomfort. Learn to tolerate your own distress because it is important you keep going, even when it feels hard. Remember, so much of this is about rewiring the brain not to retreat when we feel scared or overwhelmed. It is about making sure that we can sit in that long enough to force our brain to wire new patterns.
Develop a self-care practice. This work is intense and requires significant commitment. It is not a one and done thing but a lifelong journey of self-awareness and discovery. You cannot be in perpetual motion. Sometimes, you have to rest. Sometimes, you have to give yourself permission to stay in a part of the performance as this may be the safest place to be for a while. Sometimes, you have to practice flexible grace with yourself and know that this journey is unforetold and that sometimes plans change, we “fail” and we have the opportunity to try again but only if we can show up with love for ourselves.
Do it together. This is a universally experienced dilemma. No one is immune to the pressures of conformity and the power of shame. Find an accountability-buddy to work on this with and who you can find strength in each other’s journeys, pain points, successes, and stagnancies.
Ask for help. I am here. I mean it. I cannot do it for you but I can walk with you while you move through this process. All you have to do is ask for help.
READY TO take the next step?
If you are tired of piece mealing the work together and feeling stuck with exactly what to do and how to go about it, check out my immersive program, "That Life / AR" designed to walk you through the 5 steps involved in making any meaningful and sustainable life change.