Wouldn’t it be nice if we could stop judging ourselves on such a harsh scale compared to the rest of the world?

Self-esteem, or the thoughts and opinions we hold about ourselves, is a topic we have been discussing for decades — what it is, how to develop a positive sense of self-esteem and more.

Why, then, is it still such a problem?

Because so many of these discussions oversimplify the discussion at hand and overemphasize the importance of positive self-esteem. They miss the connection to our core beliefs, shame and the pressure of cultural norms. And they neglect to tell you that the goal is not about having positive thoughts about yourself at all times, but instead understanding your thoughts and moving to a place of balance, deflating the power many of these negative thoughts have held for such a long time.

So first, let’s be sure we understand the problem with negative self-esteem.

When one struggles with a pervasive sense of negative or low-self esteem, they have an overall negative value or opinion of themselves and their place in the world. They operate from a lens of biased expectations and negative self-evaluations and have a very difficult time seeing anything they do as neutral, let alone positive. Perhaps they look at their to-do list and rather than see what they got done today, they focus on the tasks they did not get to. Rather than focus on all of the positive interactions they have had with someone or the longevity of a relationship, they focus on all of the ways that they are letting that person down or the one negative interaction they had.

Do we fall into one side or the other? Positive or negative self-esteem?

No! We all experiences positive, negative AND neutral thoughts about ourselves. And no matter what work we do, we will always have some negative thoughts. The issue comes into play when we get hyper-focused on the negative thoughts and/or when we overlook or dismiss the positive and neutral thoughts to an extreme. As humans, we will always face some negative thoughts about ourselves thanks to shame, failure, fear, desire to grow and evolve, and the impact of others’ evaluations on our evaluations of ourselves.

How is low self-esteem developed?

Our sense of self begins to develop in early childhood experiences*. The culmination of various experiences and your judgment or interpretation of those experiences is what begins to shape your sense of self and as such, the opinion you hold about yourself (self-esteem). This concept goes hand in hand with the development of core beliefs (the beliefs we hold about ourselves and our place in this world) which means that as one develops a negative core belief about themselves, the thoughts they face every day will become an extension of that. If I believe I am inherently unlovable or unworthy, my thoughts about an interaction with a friend, grade on a test or even a response on social media will all be coded by this belief. To someone else, it may just be a “B” or a mistake we can make in a relationship that does not mean things are over, but to me, it might mean, “I am so stupid”, “I am never going to get into a good college” or “everyone hates me” and “I have no friends.”

As you think about how this may have developed for you, consider times you felt left out or that you could not meet the standards of those around you. How many times were you on the receiving end of someone’s stress — even if it was not about you? Did you experience prolonged periods of distress? Trauma? Feeling like everyone else had it figured out or it was easier for them? Each of these moments became a notch on the belt of low self-esteem and further deepened your core beliefs.

Then, over time, our brain naturally starts to search out experiences where we feel this way and puts a negative evaluation on otherwise neutral or positive events because it is working in favor of your core beliefs. Your lens of self is entirely connected to that piece.

*One caveat I want to make to this is that our sense of self is also, in part, shaped by our genes and temperament. Personality traits and our brain’s access to our body’s production of various chemicals like serotonin or dopamine have an inherent effect on our sense of self. Which means that for some people, they may be at greater risk for or struggle more with negative self-esteem. Does that mean you are simply doomed if you fall into this category? Absolutely not. It just means that it may be a longer or more arduous road to walking through this.

How does it ultimately affect us?

Remember that thoughts, feelings and behaviors all play into each other. They feed into and create what is called a “feedback loop”. As such, how I think will affect how I feel and as such, how I behave. That being said, when one of these 3 pieces is negatively tinted or tainted, the whole system will inevitably follow suit and over time, becoming increasingly tainted without interruption.

Leads to the development of distorted thinking. You may have heard of the term “Cognitive Distortions” before. Ultimately, it means a tainted or distorted view of thinking. An example is one called “All-or-Nothing” thinking where we assume if we cannot be perfect, we shouldn’t even try or if we did one thing wrong then everything is wrong. The more you get entrenched with negative self-talk, the greater the distortions in our thinking are — leading to very negative SUBJECTIVE evaluations of ourselves.

Feeds our shame narrative. Shame is an emotion that is fueled by silence. The more our thoughts are riddled with self-deprecation and distress, the more shame grows and can disrupt our everyday lives, leading to the shame defenses of moving away, moving towards or moving against.

You perform. You begin to assume a role in the world that is what you expect everyone else wants to see. You act in accordance with what you think they want or makes it easier to fit in. This goes hand in hand with shame and often leads us to act in a way incongruent with how we think and feel but secures our “place” with others. For me, this was trying to always be the one that could handle anything for anyone — even if I was exhausted, overwhelmed, tired, didn’t want to or had my own shit to deal with. Sure, it made others come to me more, but over time, it just eroded my capacities to function in my daily life and made me resentful of others. Plus, it just primed people to assume, “Kyira will take care of it” without assuming their own responsibility and didn’t actually establish productive or supportive relationships.

Leads to unhealthy and/or unfulfilling relationships. ^^See my example above^^. The more you perform and exist in your shame, the greater likelihood your relationships will suffer from superficiality and a misrepresentation of self. You will feel resentful, frustrated, and stressed but also get stuck in a loop of worry about the stability of your relationships and what will happen if you make a mistake in your performance or cannot maintain the defenses shame has told you are vital for connection.

And overall, you exist within the depths of your “Predictable Shittyness”, letting fear and self-talk keep you from doing what you want and being who you are because you are already telling yourself it will never happen or that you are not worth it.

How do we change it?

Remember the goal is not to have positive or perfect self-esteem. Thoughts are similar to emotions — they are felt in waves. It is merely about not letting one particular thought or category of thoughts run rampant in your brain.

Begin to notice and let go of thoughts. This is point A. See thoughts as thoughts and not as rules or truths. We can notice them without allowing them to consume us or getting stuck on a particular thought or thoughts. I love this video from Headspace that talks about this and really breaks down the importance of noticing without assuming or controlling.

Find the evidence. Remember, many of our negative self-evaluations and thoughts are rooted in distorted thinking. We assume no one likes us or that we fail at everything. We attribute meaning to someone’s glance or tell ourselves that someone is upset with us when they don’t text us back right away. Whenever you notice a particular thought trying to pull you in, ask yourself, “What evidence do I have to support this?” And my favorite follow-up question is always, “Really?” — yes, with a little bit of swagger and sarcasm. Challenge your brain to be able to make a case that no one can break — not just that you believe. And when you can’t, ask yourself if there are, perhaps, other thoughts that might be more likely or see about letting that thought pass without continuing to give it any more weight.

Use neutral statements. Remember, our goal is not to see rainbows and unicorns every day and assume we are the most amazing people ever. While that would be nice, it is not unattainable and not actually that helpful. Instead, we are simply looking for balance. We can’t see any positive if we only root in the negative and we lose perspective if we never focus on the neutral or try to see all aspects of our self and thoughts. When you notice yourself stuck in negative self-talk and negative self-evaluations, try finding a neutral statement. Rather than saying “Everyone hates me”, try “Not everyone will like me”. Or, “I should have been more productive today” becomes, “I did not complete my to-do list today AND I was able to get some things accomplished.” Rather than tell yourself, “My legs are fat and I look ugly in this outfit,” we might try saying, “I’m feeling uncomfortable in my body today” or ‘My legs help me get around to do all of the things I want to do.”

Surround yourself with people and situations that you feel safe and secure in. The more experiences or situations in which you feel triggered or uneasy, the greater the likelihood for negative self-esteem to take over. Our brains look for patterns. For me, as soon as I would even be around certain people, my mind would flip. Jordan would tell me it was as if I would become a different person. I was mean, petty, self-deprecating…things that didn’t help me feel good about myself and definitely detracted from my life as a whole. Do a survey of the people in your life that don’t add value or that contribute to that negative sense of self and either cut them off or try to create more distance. Additionally, find more people and places that add a sense of security and comfort.

Engage in more self-care. Seriously. Self-care practices release oxytocin — the cuddle hormone —and can lead to increased positive self-regard. No, self-care does not just mean bubble baths. To learn more about what it actually is and how to begin doing it, check out my guide to self-care.

Understand Self-Esteem and How to Change It