Can You Really Do it all?

This is something so many of us seem to long for and strive for — how can I do more, be more, take on more, etc. But the question is not, can you do it all, but rather, do you want to? And at what cost?

See, we too often see time as a commodity we have to maximize for our output. We focus on production over process and assume that more is greater.

The effect?

We train our brain that our worth and value is dependent on doing versus being, on production versus process, and on seeing ourselves as automated content deliverables rather than human beings.

If we know it’s bad, why do we keep doing it?

The short answer? Intermittent reinforcement. There are times when it feels really good and pays off for us to do or be more and when that happens, we get a chemical release in our brain that tells us to keep chasing that same feeling or “high” again in the future. Perhaps it is a promotion, we get complimented or celebrated by friends, loved ones, etc or we see a return on the investment r.e. time, money or energy. Even if short-lived, those returns can create a hard-wiring or thought pattern in our brain keeping us in the chase to feel that sense of heightened connection, worth and value again in the future.

And this is not just a “you” problem. This is an issue facing much of the world, and especially our culture in the U.S. Expectations and performance assessments enhance this pressure and we see busyness exchanged as a primary form of social capital by those around us.

Success is defined by quantifiable recordings and we are constantly asked to explain ourselves and how we engage in our lives to those around us.

We have created a fear-based system that the people doing least will have the least amount of value and will be in greatest threat for continued connection and belonging and so we actively work to secure our place.

Even in the world of self-help and growth, one of the biggest selling topic areas is productivity and “growth” — an arbitrary term that often keeps people stuck adding in more or being told to do “X” and then things will feel better versus creating systems where people disconnect, do less and then learn to sit in the ambiguity of not knowing or doing in order to re-establish and anchor themselves on what truly matters.

So what can we do about it?

I think the first step is to truly sit with the initial question I posed. Rather than thinking, “how can I be more productive?” or “how can I do more?”, ask yourself, “Do I really want to do more? And if so, what is the cost?”

Now, do not get me wrong, there are absolutely times when the answer is that I do want to take on more or learn how to be more productive and maximize my time. I am not saying productivity or the chase to be more productive is inherently bad. It is more about being more intentional about what that means and thinking more critically about how to do that in ways that does not leave you depleted or playing into an unhelpful system of thinking and defining one’s self.

As a new parent, I am 100% aware that earning how to be productive is a key skill in order to balance this new role and to make sure I still prioritize the important aspects of my life in addition to being the best parent and partner I can be in that moment.

But, again, it is not just about doing more. Instead, the difference is, rather than focusing on simply, “how do I do more?”, I focus on, “how do I act from a place of intention?” It is not just taking on more tasks but being intentional about the tasks I take on and being diligent in reflecting on how each task or energy output item is connected back to my values and contributes to the life I long to lead. I think about the cost of each “yes” and focus on the underlying motivations.

For example, leading up to having this baby and even in this first week, I have felt the pull to almost outdo and show up other moms — something I want to normalize happens to all of us in various roles in our lives and is not worth judging or beating yourself up over as it is not about trying to shame or put down others but instead, is fueled by your shame based thinking which tells you that you are never going to be good enough unless you can be better than everyone around you.

Was that urge or desire helpful? Absolutely not. But pretending it was not there didn’t serve me. Instead, I had to check in with myself and go deeper. Why did I feel that way? What pulled me to feel this way? And did it serve me to use that as fuel for how I was showing up in the world or the expectations I was putting on myself?

Obviously, you can see the lead-up here is all pointing in the direction of “no”. And so, the more I could hold space for that (even in this incredibly exhausting state), the more I could clarify that I didn’t need to do more or be better, but instead could take time to acknowledge the pressure that being a new mom brings and make space to really check in with what I, and my family, needed and wanted rather than what I was feeling compelled to do based on the culture we live in.

So, as you walk forward today, I want you to think of the various roles you have taken on in your life and what expectations, norms and definitions have come with them or have been created for and by you in your life. Now, assess how each thing you are doing is connecting to your “why” and highlight both the cost and return to everything on your plate.

From there, be diligent with every urge, ask and pressure to do or be more.

Ask yourself to prove how the investment is beneficial and fuels you rather than this broken system of shame and negative self talk.

Because at the end of the day, you are the only person you are in a relationship with your entire life and the choices we make every day impact that relationship more than anything else. So be diligent. See your time, money and energy as resources to protect rather than expend or deplete. We do not have to spend all we have. Rather, let’s invest them and think about how to shift our thinking from production to process, from doing to being and from an anchor of shame to one of connection and intention.