Are you ruminating or digesting?
Do you ever feel like your thoughts get stuck on repeat — endlessly perseverating over the same thing? Until you're so fixated on them, you can't think about anything else?
This is called rumination.
Rumination is a hyper-fixation on a person, situation, thought, or decision that inhibits our basic functioning.
It's a distraction or a pulling away from daily life, getting stuck in our heads. We’re displaced from the "now" and stuck skipping like an old Walkman on your super scratched CD.
The two most common places to get stuck are in the past — or the "shoulds" — and the future — or the "what ifs."
We focus on 1) what we (or sometimes, others) should have said or done, what people may be thinking, or how something could have been different "if only…." OR 2) what could happen; fixating on the fear of failure or judgment or projecting insecurities and uncertainties into the future.
Rumination is in direct opposition to a mindful and present life. It is fueled by our cognitive distortions or skewed perceptions about the world and takes us out of the only place we have any power or control — the present.
Most of you could get a blue ribbon in rumination. And more often than not, you are likely getting stuck in the "should haves" and "if only's". This results from being an overtaxed, high-functioning person riddled with the belief that you're only good enough if [fill in the blank]. You have to manage it all, take care of it all, and do it all — without question or misstep. And this creates an incredibly scrutinizing system for evaluating ourselves and our place in this world.
Over time, the more we engage in this practice, the deeper we immerse ourselves in our shame's stories and let go of self-compassion, efficacy, and grace.
Two friends catching up over coffee can become fodder for how this person doesn't really like you or was offended by what you did or didn't say or do.
One look from our partner can start an entire fight in our head that they were never even an active part of.
One piece of critical feedback in your annual review can become the only thing you see and force you to dismiss the accolades and encouragement provided.
One awkward text can become a deeply rooted storyline that your mother-in-law is upset with you.
What if we could stop ruminating and focus on digesting?
Digestion is the term used to describe the process of breaking down food into fuel, eliminating any waste or product that it does not find useful.
Digestion is about taking something in, pulling from it what serves you, and leaving the rest.
The cognitive or emotional digestion process is about honoring whatever shows up and, in particular, letting go of the desire to control every circumstance.
It is about seeing what happens as it happens, making space to grieve and feel within it, and then letting go.
Sometimes, revisiting an experience is helpful. Going back to ask ourselves what feels unsettled or what I have to learn is empowering. Sitting in distress to feel and heal is valid.
But getting stuck here is not. It serves no one — not the other party and not you. It is a chaining of ourselves to misery and judgment and closes the door on a growth mindset.
What can you do?
Practice radical acceptance — or the acceptance that bad things will happen and that much of what happens in our lives is out of our control.
You will make mistakes. People will hurt you. Awkward interactions will occur.
Learn to expect them as it is part of the human experience. When they happen, do not give them more airtime than any other circumstance. Instead, simply shift to the space of feeling, healing, and growing.
Learn more about the role and impact of cognitive distortions and how they skew your perception of yourself and your place in this world.
See yourself in the full context of your life.
Rather than getting focused on a few snippets or bullet points of your life, see the full context and picture. This lets you let go of the notion that what we do (or don't do) is synonymous with who we are.
And remember, the process of unlearning your negative self-talk and evaluation is not a one-and-done process. This work takes time and a willingness to show up with curiosity and grace through learning about and showing up for yourself.
Like what you are reading? Want to dive deeper?
Be sure to check out the video I made on this topic and share it with anyone you know could benefit from this message