What Matters More: Your WHAT or WHY?
Throughout our lives, we inherit scripts from those around us — how to act, what to fear, who we are supposed to be…the list goes on.
The stories we are told when we are young shape us throughout our lives and become the foundation for our emerging who, what and why.
“WHY WE DO THE THINGS WE DO IS OFTENTIMES MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT WE ACTUALLY DO.”
Now, in some instances and areas of our lives, this is incredibly helpful. We learn important stories, life lessons, and basics in communication, societal norms, etc.
But this is not universally positive. Even in the above points, there is a ton of gray area through which unhelpful scripts can enter the picture. For example, most of us struggle with communication. That is not a genetic problem. We are not predetermined to be problem communicators. That is something modeled and learned over time and unfortunately, can have long term consequences both personally and professionally.
In addition to our communication style, our sense of self, values, ideals and most perceptions of the world are also learned and heavily influence by the external forces around us. What it means to be a “good” kid, student, friend, partner, etc; what values we are supposed to have and how we spend our time and act in accordance with those values; and how much weight to put on acceptance and reassurance from others are all potential yellow flag zones when it comes to our development.
WHERE DO THESE SCRIPTS COME FROM?
Most of us assume that parents and caregivers are the “guilty parties”. And while many of our scripts do originate from our early attachment figures/caregivers, we are also incredibly influenced by our peers, other adults, the cultural norms and community “guidelines” — whether that be in your neighborhood, church or social groups, city, or the world at large — and institutions all formulate the belief systems that get intertwined into our narratives. The idea of success, value and worth in our culture is all influenced by these different sources and as such, our motivations and goals become synonymous with these pressures we face. “I can only be successful if I pick ‘X’ career”; “My value is dependent on how I look/how many friends I have/my grades/what others think of me/etc.”; “This is what I am supposed to be doing” or “This should be important to me” all become stories we tell ourselves.
THE PROBLEM?
These beliefs infiltrate are emerging sense of self before we are even old enough to think critically about them and without a sense of choice or opportunity for reflection but rather a pressure to conform or adhere to them. And without assessing if they truly fit for us, we do not really know if this is what we want, will support us or will lead us in a direction of self-efficacy and the cultivation of a healthy self esteem.
And, what’s more, the systems we engage in all work to reinforce this — acting like conveyor belts for conformity for family systems, education and career goals and development, etc. And over time, these scripts become so deeply embedded within us, we cannot distinguish the original authors from ourselves and as such, succumb to these beliefs and norms as necessary, self-driven or “our only choice”.
THE OUTCOME?
Our goals, intentions and dreams all originate from the scripts we hold about ourselves, our values, and what it means to be connected, successful and of value in the world. When we become so deeply entrenched in the scripts of others and/or other external forces, each of these components all lines up with this same feedback loop — ultimately leading to “What do I need to do to maintain my place and role in the culture I exist in?”
For the longest time, I was going to be doctor. After 3 MCATS, lots of rejections, thousands of dollars, and so many chemistry and physics flashcards, I finally realized it was not what I wanted.
But I honestly cannot tell you where the idea ever came from that this is who I wanted to be. Being honest with myself, I never found the idea that exciting — I hate needles, blood and bodies gross me out, I don’t like working for someone else or in institutions, and have no spark of joy or interest in the subject matter.
And yet, I told myself that is what I had to do for over 15 years. Whether it was familial pressures growing up in a family where the norm was college and success was more rooted in what you did, living in a culture that perpetuates a scale of success based on the letters after your name, salary or title you hold, or the reinforcement and support I got from those around me, I have no clue where the drive came from but looking back, I know it was from scripts I had inherited.
And this has not just happened in my professional life — I stayed in relationships that were “safe” and “right, wore the clothes or invested my time and energy into the things that made you “cool”, set goals or made choices based on what others wanted me to do or was seen as convenient, the standard or normal for someone like me, and hid any information about myself that was not inline with the status quo.
My aspirations, goals, dreams and actions all reflected back this shame-based narrative that was written for me and I had assumed was necessary to exist in in order to be “okay”. My values were reflective of what I thought I “should” value and were even defined based on what others saw as fit.
To have a value of “leadership”, “family” or “balance” can mean thousands of different things. It is not just about clarity of what our values are but clarity in how we define them. For me, I tended to overvalue values people around me had and/or wrote definitions based on what I saw others investing in or focusing on. For example, viewing “success” as making a certain amount of money, having an honorable job title, meeting milestones “on time” and/or having the “ideal” body. None of those things truly matter to me as a human but for years I told myself they did.
HOW DO you KNOW IF THIS IS SOMETHING you STRUGGLE WITH?
You do. Plain and simple. You are human which means you face the pressures of the world we live in and have, over time, developed belief systems and narratives that have been informed for you and have become so ingrained within you, you cannot separate from them without great fear, uncertainty and shame.
WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?
Start by giving yourself permission to get curious about these narratives without judgment. Again, this is a product of being human. And the scripts we inherit are not “good” or “bad” — they all teach us something about ourselves, our loved ones and the world. In many instances, we assume stories and scripts that are incredibly powerful and helpful and guide us to become self-evident and supported.
So, instead, it is about thinking how these narratives influence us and if they are serving us in who we ultimately want to be or become. For example, I understand that we are a culture that promotes independence through conformity. That is not inherently bad, it just does not work for me. For example, I do not need to value “success” in the ways I was taught or came to believe in order to be successful. But that does not mean that this definition might not align with someone else’s ideals and goals.
And once you have made space to be open and curious, start by analyzing the language you are currently using to describe your goals, intentions and dreams. Uncover and get curious about what motivates you and not only answer the question “why?” but “where did that come from?”.
TO DO THIS…
I CREATED A VIDEO ON “UNDERSTANDING THE POWER OF LANGUAGE AND MOTIVATION” TO HELP YOU THINK MORE CRITICALLY ABOUT THIS.
From there, it is important to then go back and sort through these scripts with greater curiosity and scrutiny. Really think about where they came from and the role they have and currently play in your life. Ask yourself what it would look like to let these pieces go and what fears you have about writing new scripts and narratives.
INSPIRED TO GO DEEPER AND REALLY ENACT CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE?
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