Failure is a privilege we should all take advantage of.
This time of the pandemic has been filled with failures — personal, professional, communal, global — and it is time we start to reframe the way we think about and respond to them.
I have spent most of my life fearing failure — believing it is a sign of weakness or a testament to low self-worth. Everything I did had to be perfect (or as close to perfect as it could be). I expected A’s in every class, success in every venture, and for every plan or intention to be idyllic. If I set off with a goal or idea, there was little to no flexibility and changing course seemed like the furthest thing from possible in my mind. After all, if you get it right the first time, why should anything have to change?
Looking back on it, it seems ridiculous! To expect everything to be perfect is already bonkers but to think it should be that way right out the gate?
It takes Everly tens…even hundreds of times of trying something before she has mastered it. And do I get mad or think she is somehow less worthy because she has “failed” along the way? Absolutely not! In fact, seeing her respond to failures is one of my greatest joys in being her mom. I can see her learning patience, studying her mistakes, adapting, and pivoting as she continues on her journey. But for some reason, that excitement and leaning into failure gets lost on us as we get older.
Why is that?
Because we live in a world where we are all perfecting a performance, playing a part trying to fit in as best can. We scale our worth and value by “up-” and “down-comparing” ourselves to people around us — either seeing people who are doing it better or worse than we are, respectively.
The aim?
To get to the top of the mountain. To be the best at all times by eliminating any weakness or vulnerability from being seen and/or being used against us.
The problem with this is that the only way to build connection is by being vulnerable which means we have to dare to be seen as imperfect in order to build relationships. We have to make mistakes in order to learn and evolve to become our true “best” selves. Failure is just an opportunity to expand our thinking and to learn more about ourselves.
You ended a relationship you thought would be your forever? Okay. Not a failure. It’s an opportunity to learn what didn’t work while getting to know your true self and identifying what you need and want in a future relationship. And if this is “failure” then what is “success”? Staying in a relationship that hurts you? Being with someone whom you do not love or who does love you back? Sacrificing who you are in order to nudge a lifeless relationship forward?
You had goals to do or be “X” by the time you were “Y” age? Let it go. Things change. Life evolves. Goals are helpful but not without flexibility. And I might even push you to think about why they did not work out. Is it that you really are a failure and couldn’t make it happen or is it because ultimately, it was not your priority or even your goals but an internalization of “shoulds” and “supposed tos”.
You tried something and it didn’t work out? How cool is that to have taken the step to try something new — to expand your thinking, push your brain outside of its comfort zone, and to learn something new about yourself and/or the world. The alternative is stagnancy and nothing about that sounds exciting or enjoyable.
This week, I want to invite you to spend some time thinking about your definitions of “success” and “failure”. Here are some reflection questions to help you in this:
What makes me scared to fail?
Has failing ever been worth it? Have I ever learned something new or grown to become a better person because of it?
How has my definition of “success” been skewed by ridiculous external pressures to conform, perfect and perform? How can I let that go?
If failure wasn’t something I feared, what would I do? Who would I be? What dreams would I pursue? What lies would I let go of?
What is the next right step for me to make that happen?