Emotions are like onions.

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Anyone? Shrek? Haha. Sometimes coming up with blog post titles fun, hilarious and unnerving all at the same time. Anyways, moving on to the point of the post ;)

Emotions are complex.

Understanding our emotions and the language we use to describe them is an incredibly powerful tool. For many of us, we have “go to” emotions or descriptors. We may be “anxious” all of the time or “stressed” out and “overwhelmed”. However, sometimes, these catch-all terms are not exactly accurate and leave us with a misconception of our emotions and the complexities of our experiences. Why is this important?

Emotions directly correlate with our thoughts and feelings.

Like a feedback loop, they all play into, effect and reinforce each other. So it becomes imperative that we know, with greater accuracy and distinction, what it is we are really feeling so as to better understand that feedback loop and how to respond to it.

What’s more, we experience emotions on different levels — primary, secondary and, in some cases, tertiary. The primary layer is the one most accessible to others. It shows up in our interactions or is one we talk more about. It may be anger or frustration when in a fight or something goes wrong, coining our experience as “anxious” or again, that catch-all term “stressed”. This is usually just the outward expression of what is going on underneath and is not always correlated with the depth of our feelings. The secondary and tertiary layers are where we get more at the “meat” or specifics of our true experience. These are the emotions we try to hide, feel too overwhelmed by or worry about judgment from others if they were to see this part of us. It is these emotions that we must work to identify as yes, understanding the outward expression of our experiences is important, but without knowing, again, what is underneath and truly bothering us, we cannot expect to properly or sustainably address or correct it.

For example, I am someone who will appear overwhelmed or stressed (primary), perhaps a bit curt or cut off in my expression and becoming more solitary and avoidant while underneath, I am swelling with fear and uncertainty (secondary) which is all connected to shame — a term I will talk a bit more about in next week’s blog — (tertiary) and the feeling that I am going to let everyone down or fail and I will no longer be worthy of connection and love. What may seem small — managing a hectic week or dealing with a weird credit card charge — will domino into an overarching theme of failure and will snowball into something that defines me as a person rather than a moment in time.

Why does this layering effect happen?

Honestly, most of this is a direct result of external pressure and conformity. We have been taught to hide our emotions, to “pull ourselves up by our bootstraps” and to “get over it”. That being said, it feels impossible to then admit out loud that we feel lonely, fearful, disconnected, terrified, or traumatized. I remember after I had my car accident, it was like I should be over it and fine to drive the next day. So I couldn’t tell people around me that I had to work through what was almost a panic attack every time I got behind the wheel for the first few months or that I still have a hypervigilance when I drive that leaves me exhausted and overwhelmed some days. Instead, anger is the more acceptable emotion for drivers and so, almost out of self-preservation, my body began to express greater anger towards unsafe drivers — people texting, cuting people off, etc — and yells a lot more. The feeling underneath? Perpetual anxiety. And underneath that? Terror. Has this gotten better? Absolutely. It has been a few years since my accident and over time, my body has been able to let go of some of it. But not all of it. Why? Because I have buried these feelings — telling myself I “shouldn’t” feel that way. And without honoring or addressing the feelings, they can never truly be processed, dealt with, categorized and put on some emotions bookshelf like in “Inside Out”.

By creating a world with poor emotional intelligence and inaccurate identification, riddled with the pressure to conform and to “be okay”, we continue to create this compartmentalization of our feelings and shame ourselves for feeling anything not socially acceptable.

So, where do we go from here?

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First, we need to built up our emotional intelligence and identification skills. How do we begin to weave together these pieces of our experiences and better understand the layers to and specifics of our experiences? This is a tool I have found incredibly helpful in identifying my emotions and understanding what is underneath them. It’s called “Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions” and walks through 8 primary emotion categories and various layers of intensity in each of these emotions, counter emotions and the intersection of various emotions and how that manifests. Plus, I like how this article lays everything out in an approachable way.

As you get more comfortable with these layers, check out this tool that English teacher, Kaitlin Robb’s created to learn even more ways to label and identify our emotions:

 
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Second, we need to make talk more openly about our emotional experiences. Not only to help us break our own cycles of shame and repression but to help model for others and instill safety that they, too, can share these pieces. As a therapist, I do this all of the time. But, not everyone is the right candidate for therapy nor should we need to use a resource like this for something that we all can have a hand in changing.

When you feel shame, talk about it. When you are scared, tell your anger that you appreciate it for protecting you but it is okay to talk about your fears. When you are feeling rejected, tell apathy and indifference to walk away and let yourself feel and talk about it.

The more we talk, the more we build the skill. The more skills we have, the greater power to create that ripple effect in ourselves and with others.

Ready to take the next step?