“Let’s talk about boundaries. Let’s talk about you and me. Let’s talk about all the distance we need to create in between. Let’s talk about us.”

Can you hear the beat of Salt-N-Pepa in the background? I remember the day I came up with that and thought I was so funny! But for real, let’s talk boundaries.

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are the limits we set — for ourselves and others — as we increase our self-awareness and move forward in creating a life we can thrive within.

Most people, when they think about boundaries, can identify some main ones — physical, emotional, or professional. The truth is, there are 6 main types of boundaries we need to concern ourselves with and focus on in our everyday lives:

Physical
Mental
Emotional
Spiritual (No, this is not synonymous with religion or faith…think more metaphysical)
Professional
Structural (i.e. managing our time, money and resources)

And before you ask, yes, every one of these applies to you. We have to consider the multitude of layers in our boundary setting to most effectively create limits and guidelines that are congruent with the lives we want to lead.

Now, it is important to note that this is not just about setting boundaries for others but also the boundaries we set for ourselves and have to follow. For example, if we say there is a consequence for someone not doing something and then don’t follow through, that is an eroded boundary. If we are working on our sleep hygiene and are set a goal/intention not to look at our phones in bed, the moment we do…boundary gone.

What makes boundary setting so hard?

There are a multitude of “impactors” on our ability to set effective boundaries but the main ones I come across in my work with clients are the following:

Shame & negative self-talk. The feeling and narrative we exist in that tells us we are not “good enough” or that we have to act or be a certain way to be seen as “good enough” or “valuable” influences us way more than we know. If we do not believe we have the right to set a boundary or to make an ask of others, it is going to be difficult to do it. And if we feel as though our goals or “wants” are above us, we will live within a self-fulfilling prophecy that leaves us playing out the narrative in which we “fail” or wash away our boundaries with ourselves and others. We tell ourselves we “can’t” or “shouldn’t” and soon those words become “didn’t” and “won’t”.
Intermittent reinforcement. Or, more specifically, the lack of a secure attachment to others. If you remember, this is when love and approval is given but at intermittent or unreliable times. We cannot assume every 3rd time we will “win” or that there is a pattern to the interaction. Like gambling, it is hit or miss every time. So why do we keep chasing this with others? because the connection we have felt in the moments it was offered releases chemicals into our body that, like a high from a drug or run or another external source, we will chase and crave — like an addiction. Over time, this creates an insecure attachment to others and a feeling as though we do not have a guaranteed connection. If the mentality we have about our relationship dynamics is that they will leave or we do not, ultimately, deserve them, then we will struggle to set boundaries with ourselves and others that uphold our needs and wants over those of anyone else’s.
Modeling. Watching how others set boundaries with and for themselves, respond to the boundaries of others, and manage self-care has a major impact on the ways we begin to understand how to set boundaries ourselves. This is not just true of our childhood but as adults as well. We have all felt the pressure at work or with friends to do more, be more, take more on or be more available — having our work emails on our phone and responding to their beck and call — simply because of the culture we are existing in. The more we surround ourselves with and witness others setting unhealthy boundaries or allowing them to erode in the face of their own shame or insecure attachments, the more likely we, too, will do this.
Social media. The hyperconnectivity that social media and the internet have created have made it increasingly difficult to set boundaries for ourselves and with others. The expectations to be available and “on” all of the time are impossible, overwhelming and leave one feeling exhausted.

Do I have healthy boundaries?

Probably not — at least not with everyone and in all of the forms we mentioned. But, to be fair, that is true of almost everyone. For me, I struggle with the boundaries in which I am asserting my needs or wants and can feel like it “hurts” or is “inconvenient” for others. I tell myself to “not make a big deal” or “let things go” with people to make it “easier”. Does it? For them, sometimes. But ultimately, it conditions all of us to engage in a world absent of my voice and boundaries. And it makes it that much harder to set boundaries for me as well.

As you begin to do this assessment for yourself, here are a few reflection questions I use to help me determine how I am doing and where I am at with boundaries, self-esteem and overall connection.

Do I settle for “good enough”?
What role(s) am I taking on? Am I taking on a responsibility that is not mine?
Do I focus on the “someday” fantasy or the belief that things will change on their own or that others will notice or show up for me? Do I put off doing the things I want to do and file them in this future place?
Am I comfortable in the “predictable shittyness” zone? Even if I don’t like it, is it more comfortable than the idea of stepping out of it?

How does setting boundaries help?

By setting boundaries with yourself and others, you are staking claim and grounding yourself in your values, wants and needs. You are reinforcing that you have the right to take up space and are directly countering and working against your negative self-talk, core beliefs and shame. At first, it is more about pretending you believe you deserve it. But eventually, it will move from a performance to slowly believing it to be true. You will condition your brain to see you independent from others and begin to leverage momentum that allows you to speak your mind.

What can I do?

Make a list of what you need, want and deserve. I like to do this specific to different people and groups in my life — husband, friends, mom, family, clients, etc. Don’t forget to include your relationship with yourself.
What you deserve is ultimately anything that falls under basic human rights — but be specific. For example, if you deserve respect, what does respect look like in these different relationships and for you?
What you need are the non-negotiables in relationships. Honesty and openness are two key pieces that come up for me with all relationships, including myself. But again, be specific. Honesty with my husband means telling me how he is feeling, what he needs and wants in our relationship and making space for both of us to share our thoughts non-defensively and on equal footing. Honesty with myself means being willing to not only acknowledge what I am actually feeling or want but then being open to do the work to achieve that. Remember, these are the things that you absolutely need and do not want to exist without in your relationships.
Finally, what you want are the negotiables or things you would be okay living without. I want to be the person that gets up at 6 AM every day and is excited to get moving and working on things. I want to have a partner that just “knows” what I need or want without having to ask. Are those things reasonable to expect? No. I am never going to be the 6 AM riser no matter how much I have tried to condition myself to be. And I am going to have to have hard conversations with my husband sometimes. Communication is key and I can’t just assume he knows everything — that is not fair to him.
Once you have done this, start working your way from deserves to needs in all of your relationships and think about what boundaries or limits do you have to set up in your life not only to get there but to maintain and condition yourself and others to give you these things.
Tune into your feelings. Not just emotions but physically. Our emotional and physical state of being tell us way more than we often listen to. How do you feel when you are around “X” or when you are taking on “Y” role at work? What things do you do or people are you around that help you feel more connected to yourself, recharged or validated? Listen to what your body tells you when it tells you that it needs rest, is not thriving in a relationship or that it is time to let go.
Uncover the role of shame in your current relationships and boundaries (or lack thereof). By learning more about our shame, negative self-talk and core beliefs, we can better understand our patterns and how to address them in our everyday lives to stop allowing shame to write our stories.
Let your behavior speak for itself. Our behavior is a direct enactment and reflection of our boundaries we are setting for ourselves and others. When we say something, we need to follow through with our behaviors. This is where we work to condition others and ourselves. And what’s more, sometimes, we all know that saying what we need to say can be difficult, so starting by changing up and modifying our behaviors can be a great way to set off the domino change to begin to make the changes we want to make and enforce/reinforce the boundaries we want/need to create.

Where can I go from here?

Check out this playlist on developing more meaningful relationships including a deeper dive into boundary setting.
1-on-1 coaching: Take a deep dive with a licensed therapist able to support you build insight into the WHAT and WHY of how you feel and work on developing an action plan for how to heal, release and move forward.
Small Group Workshops: Learn more about my program, Liberated Living, offered twice a year for up to 8 people looking to develop shame resilience through the process of radical acceptance, radical responsibility and radical authorship.
Immersive Programming: If you are tired of piecemealing your way through the change process and are looking for an inclusive program that addresses shame, burnout and resentment on a deeper level, join the amazing community of people committed to living THAT LIFE/ AR. This immersive, 5-phase program is designed to walk you through a process of insight building and intentional action planning to go from burnt out and stuck to shame resilient and thriving. Learn more about the program here and if you are interested in chatting more with me about the program and if it is a good fit for you, schedule your free 20-minute consult.

Boundaries - The Ins and Outs