As you inevitably assess your life and consider how you want to evolve in the coming year, stop getting stuck on behavior changes. You don’t need to constantly reinvent yourself. You need to create a life where loving yourself is no longer conditional. How? One of the key things is to consider with whom we spend our time? 

As I have been making space for this, I have been sitting with the question:

Who are the people I spend more time worrying about their reactions than my own feelings?

And conversely, who are the people with whom I can be honest, make my needs known and don’t fear their reaction?

Now, don’t get me wrong. I absolutely have shame and fear in every interaction no matter how safe and supportive someone is. 

My brain is constantly trying to sell me on the idea that my needs are invalid or that my worth depends on never upsetting or inconveniencing anyone.

That’s not what I am talking about. That’s my stuff. It exists independently of them and finds its way into any relationship, no matter how healthy. 

I am talking about the people who feel unsafe even when I get past my own shame. The people with whom I leave feeling worse about myself. The people who collude with my shame and reinforce the idea that I am a problem. 

Now ask yourself, what would it be like to let those relationships go? 

What if you stopped engaging with people who see your job as being their emotional punching bag or somehow can make anything — I mean anything — about them and their pain?

I can hear it even through the interwebs. As soon as you allowed yourself any space to even consider the question, in came the “buts”, fears, shame and shoulds. Why? Because these are relationships rooted in shame and power. They are conditional. And in many cases, abusive. 

Trust me, I am still dragging my feet in a mud-puddle of shame, feeling like I would be the hurtful one if I stopped engaging in a relationship with someone who has never really seen me. 

But I promise you, you are a reflection of the people you surround yourself with and the more you engage with people who see you as a commodity or something to control, the bigger the hole you will keep having to try and dig yourself out of to finally claim the pen back to author your own story. 

You are not a bad person. And it’s time you stop existing in relationships that make you feel that way.

Inspired to go deeper and really enact change in your life?

If you are tired of piecemealing the work together and feeling stuck with exactly what to do and how to go about it, check out my immersive 5-Phase program, "That Life AR" that is designed to walk you through the 5 steps involved in making any meaningful and sustainable life change.

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