THE PROCESS OF SELF-FORGIVENESS IS ONE WE DO NOT GIVE ENOUGH APPRECIATION FOR.

Forgiveness is a process that involves equal parts grieving and healing. It is about making space to feel and validate our pain and then work to untether ourselves from it to live a more present and fulfilling life. It is crucial to our well-being and yet is something so many of us don’t yet fully understand.

I have been working for the past few months to put together this grief and loss course for therapists. This course came from another course on forgiveness I launched about a year ago. See, forgiveness is a process of untethering ourselves from pain and wrongdoing (by others or ourselves) and cannot be completed without the completion of the grief cycle.

WE HAVE TO HONOR AND VALIDATE OUR PAIN, GIVING IT SPACE TO BE SEEN AND TENDED TO, BEFORE WE CAN HEAL FROM IT.

And as I got closer to finalizing the course, I found myself becoming more deeply immersed in my own loss and “forgotten”…or, albeit displaced and avoided, grief.

Weirdly enough, my grief is very different from what you may be expecting. Sure, I have lost people in my life. People have died. Relationships have ended. I have left jobs and said many goodbyes. I have faced heartache and lived through trauma. I endure the pain of so many who sit with me in my (now virtual) therapy room. But these are not the losses unresolved. These losses, I have grieved. I have made peace with these losses. I have found forgiveness. I have let go. I have embraced the ruptures and found repair.

The loss that ails me is different. And spent years veiled as motivation and drive.

THE LOSS I HAVE YET TO ENDURE IS THE LOSS OF EVERYTHING I TOLD MYSELF I WANTED AND WOULD BE.

You see, contrary to what I thought,

• I need and rely on other people.

• I am fallible.

• I am not capable of being productive all of the time. (and honestly, do not want to be)

• I am unwilling to chase fame and do not accept the realities of it.

• I am not willing to climb the ladder of success at the expense of time connecting with loved ones.

• I am okay with not being the best.

• I am okay with not being liked (mostly).

Last year, Jordan, Everly, and I went on our first trip since she was born (you know…COVID and all).

On our trip, we spent time with some amazing people. And it seemed like the universe was blasting me in the face with opportunities to turn and face this palpable loss and the pressure it has built. See, I spent years building up my “character”. My persona. The person I thought I should be — and needed to be — to be respected, liked, successful…and every other buzzword we all chase.

I had spent so much of my life feeling less that it seemed the only way for me to be “enough” was to be more than everyone around me. Not because I wanted others to feel small but because I wanted a shot and feeling like I was in the same ballpark as everyone else. See, everyone else was already good enough. They didn’t seem to have to play the same game as me. They were already smart, successful, worthy, important…and again, fill in the blank with your chosen word(s).

AND WHERE DID THIS LEAD ME?

Down a rabbit hole of constant self-deprecation and endless expansion of everything I could and should do. The expectations on me as a friend, family member, partner, mom…were growing exponentially. The scope of my business and deliverables I offered, multiplied like rabbits (you know, because rabbits…wink wink).

I exhausted myself with everything I had going and the constant ping-ponging in my brain with what new ideas or expectations I would drum up. 

My mom used to say, “everything you touch seems to turn to gold”. My grandma would tell me, “I just don’t know how you keep everything straight that you do and you do it so well”. 

And sure, I am good at what I do and (typically) who I am but at what expense? And the addiction to and chase to hear these words not just from them but from everyone became the goal of my pursuits rather than my values and intentions. What good is doing good if you only do it for the gold star? What good is being successful if you lose focus on helping other people? Why do we see bigger ripples as more important and valuable when the smallest act (or non-act) can have the biggest change in someone’s life.

This trip made me realize that all of that was a product of shame. See, much like the old adage about a tree falling in the woods…there is this worry that if what we do isn’t seen, validated, celebrated, liked a million times (thank you social media) then it didn’t happen. But that is bullshit. Good things matter no matter how many people see or acknowledge it. And losing ourselves in the chase to be some version of success does nothing but devoid the world of our truth. Our potential. Our genuine ripple we can have on the world.

REAL TALK.

I actually don’t want to be famous. Goodness, it seems like an invitation to self-hatred and a loss of control of my time and energy.

I don’t want to be liked by everyone. It is exhausting and honestly, not everyone is worth it. Plus, someone will not like me no matter what so why not work smarter rather than harder, here.

I don’t need to be the “more successful” one in my marriage. I am okay if I make less money. I am okay if I have more invisible, unpaid labor that often goes unnoticed because the goal of the work is to make things seem seamless. I am okay if you think this is the product of gender roles, laziness, lack of motivation or whatever other labels you want to put on it. That is not my business and making it such has never brought me joy.

I don’t want to get up hours before Everly to work out. I will absolutely get my workouts in but it is also okay if it is a 20-minute bike ride while she is napping and in between laundry and emails.

I am alright with needing help and with making mistakes. Perfection (or the false-attempt to chase perfection) did nothing but create fear and misery anyways.

All of this is to say…

I AM GRIEVING THE DEATH OF THE “ME” I THOUGHT I WANTED TO BE.

I am sorting out the drive to keep that version of me around while also knowing the best thing to do is walk away. I want to get to the point that I don’t have to chase validation or be told a million times how great I am. I want to stop leading with what I do and just focus on being who I am.

If you know me, you know I LOVE watching trailers/previews. Some nights I will sit and watch them for an hour or more — new shows, movies, or ones I have seen dozens of times.

Last night I watched the preview for the Mr. Roger’s documentary from a few years ago and I started crying. I turned to Jordan and said, “I just want to be okay being kind rather than chase anything else.”

And that is the next phase of my grieving and healing process. I need to grieve the pain that our society has bred in all of us where we feel as though we need to chase these ridiculous ideals in order to be “enough”. I need to honor that this road caused me a lot of pain and heartache. It has also affected my ability to do good in the world.

That is okay. I can forgive myself. I can forgive the world. And instead, I am going to focus on just showing up every day in whatever I do and being kind, compassionate, and present.

We are never going to get our to do lists done. We are always going to be sacrificing in one role or another. And one day, we are going to be grieving the loss of the people who mean the most to us in the world. So, lean in. Let go of the chase. Forgive yourself for not being who you told yourself you would be and focus on being the “you” that is exactly as you should be.

Inspired to go deeper and really enact change in your life?

If you are tired of piece-mealing the work together and feeling stuck with exactly what to do and how to go about it, check out my immersive 5-Phase shame resilience program, "THAT LIFE / AR" that takes you from burnt out to rooted.

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