A few weeks ago I received an email from someone inviting me to be a part of an event they are putting together addressing burnout and identity overwhelm.

In the email, they listed a few requirements for speaker participants. Most were standard — helping spread the word about the event, being present for your session and a Q&A, etc. But there was one specification that really bothered me. They indicated you have to have “X” number of email subscribers and/or “Y” followers on social media to be “considered” for participation.

My initial response was, “You emailed me — why do I need to prove my worth based on some arbitrary number?” The second was a weird feeling of validation and relief.

In the past, I have often been below these standards or requirements. This time, I wasn’t. I was both excited about the growth I have had but also struck by how quickly shame showed up. Why did someone else’s random email list requirement change the way I feel about my business or the work I have put into it?

Now, to be clear, this isn’t new. Conferences, events, even possible collaborators do this all of the time. From email subscribers to social media followers and website traffic, the focus is on how many people are connected to you.

On some level, I understand. We want to maximize our work and reach. And, I think there is an incredibly important distinction that needs to made.

Quantity does not translate to quality.

What do I mean by that?

What does this number actually tell you about their work or character? I know people with millions of followers and subscribers that never really say anything and are standing on the legs of fame rather than substance.

What does this number really tell you? I know people with 10K+ email lists barely getting a 5-10% open rate while friends of mine with <200 people on their email list make almost their entire income here.

Whose voices are we leaving off the table when we focus on stats & follower counts?

How many people have something valuable to say that we don’t make space for because they are missing a zero a the end of their follower count? Does this number tell us anything about what they say or just that they got a lot of people to click a button?

And how is this connected to shame and the reinforcement that value is dependent on a completely subjective, arbitrary source of external validation? How has this shifted us from focusing on who someone is, what they have to say or what they bring to the world versus a pin in the hat of social capital by means of external rooting?

How does this relate to you?

1. How often are we making these requests of others — conscious or subconscious?

2. How much investment are we putting in to having to

Because numbers have become a primary source for validation and self-assessment in all of our lives.

Shame pushes all of us to minimize our life worth to the data we can prove or the content we can recount.

• If you didn’t record your workout on your watch, does it even count?

• If you don’t get “X” number of views on your reel, was it even good?

• If you don’t have a bazillion friends or constant invites and requests for your time, are you even valued?

• If I am not a size 2, people will think I am…

• If I don’t get a 4.0 GPA, will people think I am smart?

• If I am not perfect, why would people stick around?

• If I don’t have X degrees or Y letters after my name, will they even consider me for the job?

• What if I don’t have it all figured out by 20?

• I can’t change my mind now — it’s too late.

• I can’t do that now, I am too old.

• If I am not the most liked, busy, tired, engaged…[fill in your chosen word], what will they think?

You get caught in the trap of proving, assessing or validating your worth based on quantitative analysis which removes any opportunity for depth in our story.

The data has become oversimplified to say that “X” people with “Y” metrics are more valuable. And all this does is leave you lonely and in a desperate chase to constantly try and quench a thirst for belonging while running a race to conformity.

What can you do about it?

1. Stop boiling life down to content-driven metrics and expand our view to the context and breadth of your life and the lives of people around you. This means we have to stop oversimplifying everything through a lens of shame and learn to tolerate the distress of feeling like there isn’t one path to living your life or feeling seen.

2. Ask yourself to “prove it”. All of the points above are rules based in shame. Shame gets its legs from scarcity and it wants you to just assume these beliefs as truths because of the fear that exists on the other side. But we have to question them with greater ferocity. Why do I have to have “X” to be worthy? Why is doing “Y” less valuable than someone doing “Z”? Why do I instantly view myself as less the older I get?

3. Practice radical self-love and expand this practice to your world view. The book, “The Body is Not an Apology” by Sonya Renee Taylor is an amazing book that addresses so many of these points and takes it deeper into thinking about the ladder systems our society has been build on that tries to scale worth by putting people down.

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