I started writing this post in November of last year and then sort of left it hanging. The irony in the fact that this was a post about the fear of failing or not getting everything perfect or right and then I left the piece unfinished…

Instead of editing or revisiting, I am just going to publish it as is to remind myself that the goal is connection not perfection.

ironically, I just published a video on YouTube that talks more about fear — what it is, why we feel it and what we can do about it. Be sure to check that out after taking a brief step back to November 2021…

These past few months have been exhausting. I have had company in town for a little over 3 months straight, left my therapy practice to pursue Adversity Rising full time, launched several new programs, spoke at some awesome events, frantically dealt with some scary mom moments including a big fall, her first battle with croup, and tons of exciting ways she is exploring her independence and burgeoning emotional and social awareness. Oh, and there is still a pandemic going on, so, you know, all of that mess, too.

There have been major highs and exciting new ventures coupled by invitations and challenges to sit in and work through shame I had long since thought I dealt with. And looming over all of this has been this pervasive presence of fear and anxiety.

What am I scared of?

Well, besides the realization that being a parent means living with a consistent level of anxiety and uncertainty…

Failing.

More explicitly, not meeting the expectations I have for myself as well as the hopes, wants and needs of those around me. Being found out or seen as not good enough. People leaving or seeing through me. Not “making it” — which is in quotes because even as I sit here I know the concept is BS — in my business or being judged for how I live my life. Not being who I should be in order to be accepted, celebrated, or to belong. Ultimately, not being perfect.

My logic brain feels ridiculous right now as I type this. And angry.

I hate the premise of perfectionism as a societal construct tied to one’s worthiness, value and success. The idea we have to do and be it all to be deemed “enough” is ridiculous. And yet, while I denounce it for and with everyone else, I am addicted to its pursuit in my own life. Why?

I have internalized a belief that I must be perfect in order to be “a part of” I don’t even know what — society, I suppose? For people to like or choose me.

Like many of you, I was born with a core belief that I am inherently less than and unworthy. As a result, I developed an internal response plan rooted in shame and amplified by my ego that essentially guaranteed me that I would be able to hide these deficiencies if I play a specific role — which broke down into a plan of chasing perfection. I had to be good at everything or at least be better than those around me.

The problem is, this pursuit fed into itself. The better I was at things, the better I was treated and the more opportunities were created for or given to me. People did become drawn to me because I was emulating the same ideals their own shame and ego was pushing onto them — a person who could be and do it all.

Why is this sitting with me so much right now?

I don’t want to keep performing.

Because I am on the cusp of really flipping into a life I own and lead rather than one of performance and shame. Leaving my therapy practice was incredibly scary. I didn’t want to let my boss down, disappoint my clients or make the switch to an income constantly in flux. I was excited about the opportunity to lean into my business full time and create something with meaning and substance that aligns with exactly who I want to be and how I want to be a part of changing the world. But that excitement is great when it exists on the anticipation side of change. Once I took the leap, fear seemed to take its place.

What if people judge me?

What if people don’t take my business seriously?

What if no one wants to book me?

What if I am not that good?

Will Jordan resent me for what my work life looks like or the money I make as I build my business?

How will I balance this with my primary role of Everly’s mom?

What if I fail?

Why is this relevant to you?

Because we all do this. We all long for change. We work for it. We set ourselves up to make it happen. And then as soon as we lean into it, fear chokes us back down into shame, ambivalence and uncertainty. It was great — in theory. It’s almost like we get addicted to the want but talk ourselves out of making it our reality.

Over time, we start to confuse fear with danger. We assume something bad will happen to us if we dare to reach outside of the limits imposed on us by our negative self-talk. And we live a live of stagnancy and predictability versus one with depth and intention.

What can you do about it?

We have to stop letting fear drive the bus. We have to rethink our relationship with it and allow it to take up space, but only the space we allow. Fear, in the context of chasing our goals and dreams, is going to show up every time we move towards change. It wants you to chase perfection in stagnation. Do it anyways.

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